


diary of a whiny emo brat

by snekwami



Category: BoBoiBoy (Cartoon)
Genre: An idiot emo teen salts about his life, Diary/Journal, Literally just what the title says, M/M, Nonsense, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 32,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21994663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snekwami/pseuds/snekwami
Summary: Basically just "boohoo boboiboy is more popular than me and the café ran out of red carrot donuts this is so humiliating and sad :(" but slightly more articulate.Emo whining ×1000.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Flipping heck. When I wrote [The Fresh Prince of Pulau Rintis](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21699760/chapters/51758038) (which is way better than this btw) there was this one chapter where I had it that Fang kept a diary and it was very, very emo.
> 
> Then I was like "oh lmao imagine if I wrote out all of his diary, how hilarious would that be" and oops it turns out it's very fun to write. So much of this is lowkey based off my own diaries from when I was a teen, which I think says a lot of (negative) things about me.
> 
> It follows the plot of aforementioned fic but less coherently, because you're getting it from the point of view of this weirdo instead.
> 
> Rated T because swearing. So much swearing. I can't have him be an emo teen without saying the fuck word constantly. Oh okay, and Thirst... the T stands for Thirst and also Tsundere. Boy needs to drink the planet of Neptune to quench that.
> 
> Oh also, warning, he's constantly like "oh god this minor thing has inconvenienced me I need to go DIE IMMEDIATELY, I'm going to STAB MYSELF" and basically just very over the top emo and dramatic while also being a mood. Don't take it too seriously.
> 
> Dedicated to my blessed little fandom sister @findmeinthevoid who read this through google docs and begged me to post it, because it's Iconique™, I guess. (And thank you for some inspiration and ideas, lol.)
> 
> I will shut up now and let you consume the madness. Happy new decade. Good luck.

[1]

Dear diary,

I can’t believe my brother is forcing me to go to this dreary and mangy school on this planet in the middle of nowhere. Can’t I train to be a knight somewhere else? It’s so unfair! But I can’t argue against him, can I?

I don’t have any friends here yet because everyone here is so lame. All I have is you, diary. First things first – this school is filled with shallow preps who think “doing homework” is a personality trait. And the ones who don’t care about homework only care about dumb things, like some rando prince who apparently got stuck out in space! It’s all they talk about and I’m already sick of it. Yeah, we get it! A student got stuck out in space and won’t be here for a few weeks! Can we move on now???

My roommates suck, by the way. They’re already fully-fledged knights but they’re so rude! Their names are Sai and Shielda, which are the dumbest names I’ve ever heard. All they do is telepathically communicate with each other using their twin powers right while I’m in the room with them. I bet they’re secretly gossipping about me! It’s so unfair!!!

Ohhhh, I hope Kaizo lets me go home soon. I already hate it here.

-

[2]

Dear diary,

I have the worst news ever, in the universe.

THIS SCHOOL DOESN’T HAVE RED CARROT DONUTS.

I think… I think I have to lie down. How am I supposed to survive without those?! It’s the food of the gods!!!!

Like seriously, would it kill the chefs to make some? It’s not that hard! The lack of the food most important to my wellbeing genuinely physically hurts me! Do they not realize they are killing me, by not stocking any?? They’re literally causing my actual death!!

I’m going to die, diary. I can’t live without my donuts.

Excuse me while I play the guitar and cry, because it’s the only thing that can make me feel better.

-

[3]

Dear diary,

All Sai and Shielda ever do is laugh at me. They keep calling me “whiny” and “bratty” – I’m NOT! I’m just emo! There’s a difference!! Can’t they even tell?? Ugh, fucking preps, they don’t know anything…

No news from Captain Kaizo yet. I’ve been begging him to let me come back, but he won’t respond to my messages. I know he’s seen them. He’s been leaving me on read!

Ohhh, I hate him. I hate him and I hate Sai and I hate Shielda. They’re all literally the worst people alive, I can’t stand them. I’m not even going to try being nice to them. They don’t deserve my kindness.

On an unrelated note, I wonder why I don’t have any friends yet?

[4]

Dear diary,

I hate this school. It’s all “Boboiboy this, Boboiboy that” – the guy isn’t even here yet!! He’s still stuck out in space! Why does everyone care so much? It’s just some dumb prince…

What kind of name is that anyway? Who names their kid “Boboiboy”? And a prince, at that. Oh, I hate princes so much. They’re so snooty and rude and annoying. I bet this kid will just be the worst of the worst. He’s a Benevolent too, which is the house for all the goody-two-shoes. I already hate him and he’s not even here.

But anyway, that’s all I am ever going to write about him, because I refuse to acknowledge his existence. Everyone else at this godforsaken Academy is already acknowledging it far too much, so SOMEONE here at least has gotta have some sense.

-

[5]

Dear diary,

I AM GOING TO CURL UP AND DIE.

There I was, eating my lunch in the food hall, when I accidentally knocked over my glass and got some water on the table. Everyone must have seen me! There were Malevolent kids laughing at me! Even my own roommates, Sai and Shielda, were laughing too! What have I done to deserve this???

This is so embarrassing, I can’t ever show my face again. I need to go lock myself up forever until I disintegrate.

Hmm… where should I go to die? I can’t just stay here in the room, the twins will be back and they’ll just start laughing at me again, like they always do. There aren’t really many places here at this school where I can just go to be all by myself without getting disturbed. Knowing me, I’ll be halfway to decomposing and then that scary Benevolent student rep will show up and force feed me a cookie to stop me dying, and that’ll ruin all my plans.

(Or maybe not. Apparently those cookies really do kill you. But I’m not dying from a fucking cookie okay?? I have to die poetically! My death has to have meaning to it!!)

-

[6]

Dear diary,

I’m not dead. I went off and sat on the roof for a while, but those gargoyles are uh… kind of creepy. And anyway I was getting hungry, so I braved the dining hall again. It turns out no one even remembered me spilling my drink so it was okay in the end. Phew.

We had the first interhouse tournament today, but it was basically just a warm-up. None of us new kids were allowed to participate in this one. It was so unfair though – Sai and Shielda pretty much just won everything!! Won’t they let someone else have a go? Next time I am going to make sure that I’M the one who does the Honourable Combat tournament, okay? I deserve it. Kaizo has been making sure I’m combat-trained since I was a toddler. I have to win!!!

Maybe that way I’ll actually get some popularity, and everyone will stop going on and on about that stupid kid who still hasn’t arrived…

(Grrrr I hope he just dies out in space. Serves him right.)

-

[7]

Dear diary,

I got the tail of my longcoat stuck in a door today!!! I’m so livid – how dare this happen?! Why is the universe always against me, no matter what? Won’t something ever go RIGHT in my cursed life for once??? This is biphobia because it insults me, a bi.

Hmm… or is it panphobia? I still never really decided which works better. Maybe both. Either is fine. It’s not like anyone at this school is good enough for me anyway, I don’t care about the gender.

Well, actually, there’s… this girl. But she’s Benevolent, so she’s probably a goody-two-shoes. She’s even friends with the Benevolent student representative, so that’s even worse. And to top it all off, she’s a princess! Probably all snooty and acting like she’s too good for anyone! Wait, why am I even writing about her?? I don’t care about Benevolent students, never mind if they’re pretty!!

Anyway, POINT IS, that door is evil and I’m going to rip it off its hinges and feed it to a black hole, because HOW DARE IT DO THIS TO ME? Even inanimate objects are out to get me, it seems…

-

[8]

Dear diary,

Kaizo FINALLY fucking replied to one of my millions of messages. And do you know what that reply consisted of?

“k.”

YEP. JUST THE LETTER K. WITH A FULL STOP AT THE END, TOO.

How is he related to me again???

No, seriously, even Shielda was asking me today.

“Your brother is so composed and serious, and you’re always moping around and being dramatic and complaining loudly whenever you so much as drop a pencil – do you both take after different parents or something?”

Hah, it’s not like I remember my parents. And Kaizo won’t tell me. Because he doesn’t fucking TELL ME ANYTHING, does he?

But… it’s nice that he at least did bother to reply. And it’s nice that Shielda talked to me decently today. I guess she has a mode other than “snark” after all. It would be nice to see more of that from her, and some from her brother too. I, uh, still don’t have any friends here.

Everyone else already seems to though. It’s starting to get kind of lonely.

-

[9]

Dear diary,

Ohhhhh my god I am never trying to make friends ever again. I told Sai I liked his hat thing, and guess what he did? He threw it at me and it hit me in the face!!

And I thought maybe Shielda would care, since she was nice to me the other day, but guess what? She just laughed!

I hate them and I hate everything and everyone. I’m going to leave the Academy and become a monk. If I never write in here ever again then know that I perished, in extreme pain, from anguish and despair.

-

[10]

Dear diary,

No, I didn’t become a monk. My hair is too pretty to shave off, okay? And apparently monks aren’t allowed to eat red carrot donuts, so I’d rather just die than do that.

Also… Sai isn’t really that bad. I was up last night with tears streaming down my face, trying to do my homework, but too distracted from how much my life absolutely sucks. Sai gave me some of his donut (sadly it was chocolate, but I guess that’s okay) and helped me out a bit. Not very much, mind you. But it did help clear my head and I managed to get the rest done myself.

Okay fine, I feel bad about insulting him and Shielda in here all the time! But in my defence, they have been pretty rude to me most of the time. That’s just how they are – they’re always snarking at people, gossipping behind people’s backs, acting all bitchy and aloof.

They say I do the same…

But I actually have REASONS for it! Everyone is so mean to me all the time, how can you expect me to be nice in return?! I’m not just sulking for no reason. I know the twins see me as just some… some dumb moody teenager. But I’m so much more than that.

I’ll prove it. There’s soon going to be a combat tournament, just for knights-in-training, to decide which one of us gets to represent Neutrality at the next interhouse tournament. And I’ve made up my mind – IT’S GONNA BE ME.

-

[11]

Dear diary,

Can you believe it? I actually got Shielda to help me practice for the tournament. She saw me aggressively stabbing my pillow and went and dragged me over to the combat area like, “You’re the least bad of all the baby knights so I’m going to help you get better, and also you’re my roommate so I can’t have you embarrassing us by failing miserably at the tournament SO COME ON, LET’S GO.”

She’s really good at combat. But hey, so am I! It’s the legendary Captain Kaizo himself who’s been training me all these years, so of course I’m already amazing at it!

Well… I say “training”, but it’s more like… him constantly winning, knocking me down, and then yelling at me to get back up, and that I’m pathetic and terrible and whatever.

Shielda is not like that. She puts aside her sassiness when helping me out. And she spent so much of the time glaring at all the other knights-in-training in there, the ones who laugh at me behind my back and act like they’re always so much better. I get the idea she thinks of me as a lost puppy in need of adoption.

I don’t want to say this, because she still sucks and I still sort of hate her, but… couldn’t she be my big sibling instead? At least she’s… sometimes decent to me. Sai too, in fact. He’s been helping me with my homework more frequently these days. Maybe they just don’t want people thinking their roommate is a slacker or a moron – it would reflect badly on them. But I like to think that deep down inside, they care about me…

-

[12]

Dear diary,

I DID IT!! I WON THE KNIGHT-IN-TRAINING TOURNAMENT!! I’m going to be representing Neutrality in the Honourable Combat part of the next interhouse tournament!

Hah, finally those stupid jerks will have to actually appreciate me! I’ll finally be popular. And then they’ll all be sorry that they ever mocked me, you’ll see. I’ll be the hero of the school. Those smug little Benevolent and Malevolent hoes will be in awe at my skills, and bow down at my feet.

Uh, I’m a little hyper right now, sorry. This feels like the first time anything good has actually happened to me since I got here. Why shouldn’t I celebrate?

Sai gave me another donut as a congratulations present. I may or may not have tossed it in the bin without a second glance – it’s red carrot donuts I’m craving, not cream and sprinkles or whatever stupid stuff Sai eats. But I do appreciate the thought.

He and Shielda also cornered me and pointed their swords at me, saying, “You’d better not let us down at the tournament, TWERP.”

I’m not going to! Don’t they have any faith in me?

Well, whatever. I’ll show them. I’ll show everyone.

I’m… I’m not nervous or anything! It’s still a while away anyway. Maybe if I win, and I tell Kaizo, then he’ll be proud of me? Or at least reply to my messages? ...Nah, probably not…

-

[13]

Dear diary,

Um. I think I’m going to start hiding this diary, maybe. The twins said they wouldn’t read it – they don’t care about the “boring whiny ramblings of a depressed teen” – but… I don’t want them to read this one. They wouldn’t understand. No one would.

Okay, so I said I wasn’t going to write about that… that stupid prince. The one who got stuck in space for weeks.

But he just arrived today and I am so LIVID.

FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

WHY DID NO ONE WARN ME HE LOOKS LIKE THAT.

Stupid smug Benevolent little…

Ughhhhh. I’m whacking my face repeatedly on the desk. How dare he just swagger into this school, looking like the actual personification of sunshine and rainbows, and then… just… everyone basically worships him??? I was sitting in the library, minding my own business, trying to do my homework. And that Boboiboy just walked in, and immediately everyone in the vicinity lost their freaking minds?? Because he’s so AMAZING and ADORABLE and oh he got STUCK IN SPACE and ALMOST DIED?

I swear to fuck, I’ll snap his stupid neck. He doesn’t deserve that popularity. He didn’t even do anything!! He literally just got here!!! I’ve been here for three weeks already and I’m slowly working my way up, and that prince just gets everything handed to him on a silver platter?

And he has the audacity to be all Sweet and Kind too, all stupid and Benevolent and GAHHH I can’t stand it! All friendly and nice… polite to people… happy and smiling… He even got a detention, and as he went, everyone in the library was being so “awwwww poor darling!” at him, I’m going to throw up.

What is wrong with him. What’s wrong with everyone. There’s only one entire brain cell at this Academy and I’m the one who has it!

I’m going to hide this diary under my pillow today, I think. Just in case. I don’t want anyone to see that I’m writing about That Guy. Because I obviously don’t want him getting any more popularity than he already has!

-

[14]

Dear diary,

Are you kidding me??? He already has friends??? And I DON’T??????

He even got given a little robot to have as a sidekick. That’s not even allowed! Only Malevolent students are allowed those! Not even us Neutrals! What makes him so special that the teachers are literally willing to break the rules for him? I don’t care if he almost died – he’s not the only one here with a Tragic Backstory, alright?

Whoever’s trying to kill him, I hope they succeed. I’d do it myself but I don’t want to have to go out of my way to waste my energy on him. I’d rather just forget he exists.

In fact, I’m going to stop writing about him at all. I have better things to write about. Like… um… well, there are things. And I’ll write about them. You’ll see.

-

[15]

Dear diary,

My life is so boring. All I do is lounge around and sometimes do homework. Oh, and the twins train me sometimes, I guess. But that’s about it. What am I meant to do with my spare time considering there’s no basketball courts here? And it’s not like the twins actually like hanging out with me or talking to me as an equal! It’s always like they’re just babysitting me!

I would try to make friends with some of the other Neutrals, but they’re all just so annoying. No one here truly understands me.

No, I’m not being emo and whiny… I mean it. So many people here are just so loud and extroverted, so bubbly and nice and they find it so easy to make friends. I’m just not like that. I never have been. And none of those people care about people like me. I’m too different from all of them to be compatible.

It’s always like this, everywhere I go. I’m the moody, lonely, quiet one… it sucks! Just for once, can’t I be popular? Can’t people actually like me? Care about me? What does a guy have to do to get some FRIENDS around here?!

But I just can’t relate to anyone about anything. No one thinks I’m worth their time.

That HURTS, diary. Like you wouldn’t believe.

Somewhat related, but when I say I can’t relate to anyone, I really mean it, in um… several ways. It’s not just me having different music tastes and being quieter. It’s also… jeez, I had thought first maybe I’m still too young to call myself ace. But now that I’m here among fellow teenagers I’m thinking wow, nope, I am definitely not too young to call myself that.

Welp. Guess I finally have at least something in common with my brother?

I just wish the others would stop thinking I’m some kind of naive baby for caring more about red carrot donuts than… you know?

-

[16]

Dear diary,

Ohhhh I know I said I wouldn’t write anymore about Boboiboy, but I just have to vent! His granddad’s café is the most popular hangout place in the school! I see it through the windows when I walk past on the way to classes, and he’s always there with all his stupid little Benevolent friends and his stupid robot, drinking stupid hot chocolate…

He really thinks he’s so cool, huh? So popular, everyone loves him… I know he has a cute face, I don’t care. No amount of him being super handsome will make me care about him. He doesn’t deserve his popularity, okay? He does literally nothing!

Seriously, all he has to do is BREATHE and everyone’s singing his praises. “Oh, Prince Boboiboy BREATHED! Absolute ledge! Heir to the throne of breathing! We stan!!!”

Well whenever I see him breathe all it makes me want to do is slap that pretty face of his and slam dunk it into a mug of hot chocolate…

-

[17]

Dear diary,

I need to go throw myself into the ocean. Today I was listening to music, and I noticed my classmates were laughing at me more than usual. I took off my headphones and guess what? Turned out they hadn’t even been plugged in! I had just been playing my music out loud, for everyone to hear, like some kind of moron!

My classmates now know I listen to My Alchemical Romance. Oh god. Oh fuck. They know. I’m going to dive into the ocean and live with the fish. At least they won’t judge my music taste…

Sai and Shielda are being extremely unsupportive. I had run back to my room after classes, sobbing, and they just laughed at me! Why do they constantly laugh at my pain? What’s wrong with them? I’m disowning them immediately!

(To be fair, I laughed very hard when Sai stubbed his foot on the door the other day. But at least that was physical pain! How dare they laugh at my emotional torment like this?)

-

[18]

Dear diary,

I’ve un-disowned them. Shielda noticed me crying myself to sleep and she came over and sat on the edge of my bed, saying stuff like, “It was already obvious you listen to emo music, it’s not a surprise to your classmates, they’ll all forget this happened eventually, just win the tournament and show them how cool you are…”

Hey, she’s trying to be nice. I guess it’s hard for her to do that when she’s used to just mocking people all the time. And Sai, too. He’s quieter – but he’s a lot like his sister.

Huh, I wonder what that’s like? Siblings who actually have things in common?

-

[19]

Dear diary,

The tournament is tomorrow. I’m way better at combat than anyone in Benevolent or Malevolent, that shouldn’t be a problem. And I’ll finally earn the popularity I’ve worked so hard for!

Speaking of popularity, Boboiboy’s just got worse. He keeps nearly dying – there’s some idiot Malevolent student trying to kill him apparently – and that’s just making everyone feel more sorry for him. Hah! I don’t feel sorry for him at all! It serves him right!

Whoever this Malevolent student is, I hate them too. How dare they give that guy attention?!

Good news though: the other Neutrals have indeed forgotten about the music incident. They didn’t laugh at me at all today. It was a nice change. Will this continue soon?

-

[20]

Dear diary,

I CANNOT EXPRESS IN WORDS HOW UTTERLY PISSED OFF I AM RIGHT NOW. YOU DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND. I’M SO ANGRY, I’M GOING TO LIGHT BOBOIBOY ON FIRE WITH MY EYES, OKAY???

Alright Fang, deep breaths, calm down, get rid of the capslock for a second…

I won the tournament. Yep.

And no one gave a singular fuck.

Because guess what? The only thing anyone at this fucking Academy cares about is Boboiboy!!!

Yeah. I actually WON. I did my house proud, I beat the Malevolent kid, I beat the stupid pretty Benevolent princess, I came first and won the Honourable Combat.

Boboiboy didn’t win ANYTHING, for the record. The Benevolent rep lost the jousting and archery to the twins, and of course the princess lost the combat to me. But that fucking square head from Malevolent – Adu Du I think? – tried to shoot him during the archery, and from that point on everyone was too busy going “Oh, poor Boboiboy, he almost got shot with an arrow!” to care about anything else!

He didn’t even take part in the football, because he got knocked out by some robot or something. Absolutely pathetic. No one even concentrated on the match, they were too busy worrying for his safety. Heck, even the MALEVOLENTS were stanning him like you wouldn’t believe.

I cannot express how much I hate his guts. Oh, and there’s worse.

Way, WAY worse.

I won the Honourable Combat, right? And Boboiboy keeps nearly getting killed. So the head of Benevolence decided that this dumb prince needs a knight to protect him. And since I’m the best at combat, he picked ME.

Yep.

I now have to protect Boboiboy.

You know, the guy who I despise with all my heart and soul.

Just… just kill me now. I’m going to go find a knife and stab myself.

-

[21]

Dear diary,

I couldn’t find a knife sharp enough, there were only the ones for eating in the dining hall and they’re pretty blunt. Anyway, I was being overdramatic yesterday – I actually have some good news too that I didn’t get round to writing about yet. Yes, good news! You did read that right!

Well, first of all, I still hate Boboiboy. He was being all smiley and trying to be nice – I can see right through that, you stupid, smug little prince. Not falling for it.

But it turns out his granddad’s café has red carrot donuts. Oh, god, I didn’t realize how much I was missing those things! They taste like HEAVEN! I ate at least seventeen, so many that there were literally none left. Now I spend my time waiting for the next batch to arrive. I need them so bad. They are my lifeblood.

Yeah, as terrible as this job is, I think… I think I can survive it. With the help of those wonderful donuts.

I may not be popular, but with those donuts, life might just be tolerable...

W–

Wait a second.

Now that I think about it, why didn’t I just stab myself with my sword???

-

[22]

Dear diary,

It’s so unfair. Everywhere he goes, everyone’s showering him with love and praise, and I don’t get even a word of it. Why is this happening?! He hasn’t even nearly died recently!! Because I’ve been right here keeping him safe!!!

He’s… he’s not even making it easy to be mad at him for it. Purposely being all Extra Nice to me, like he’s trying to sneak his way into making friends with me or something. Come on! As if I’d ever be friends with a Benevolent! And especially not HIM. Ugh.

It’s unfair how perfect he is. Listen – don’t take that the wrong way! I’m not saying he’s perfect! I just mean, generally, he’s considered perfect. He’s gorgeous, and he’s kind, and funny, and always so polite and friendly. It really sucks…

I hate him so much. I’ll shove him off the roof one of these days, I swear. I’ll run him through with my sword. Him and his stupid perfect gorgeous face…

-

[23]

Dear diary,

I really hope no one ever reads this thing? Because it’s occurring to me that the stuff I wrote yesterday could uh… be taken out of context. Well DON’T!

Listen. I don’t like Boboiboy. He is annoying, he is OVERLY nice, and I hate him. The only thing he’s useful for is getting red carrot donuts, and even then, that’s his granddad’s café, not him.

And I know he is very sweet and friendly. And um… good-looking. But I’m not shallow enough to start going crazy over someone just because they’re cute and have a nice personality, okay???

So yeah. No getting the wrong idea. I definitely do NOT like Boboiboy. If I wasn’t his knight, I’d consider him my enemy. Because he sucks. And just because he’s unfairly, unnecessarily cute, it doesn’t mean I’m going to fall for his cheap tricks.

In fact, I’m going to stop talking about him altogether. Sai did mention today that I “talk about him a lot for a guy who supposedly hates him”. Well I’m VENTING! And I have to spend so much of my time trailing around with that stupid prince and his even stupider friend group, so why shouldn’t I be allowed to complain about them, huh?

He’s just so fucking annoying. Should I stab him? I want to stab him. But there’s the off-chance it might kill him, and anyway, I’m meant to be protecting him. But oh god, I very much want to. He deserves to be stabbed. I must admit, I think about stabbing him way too often. You know, because I hate him so much.

Wait, I’m meant to stop talking about him, right? Okay fine! I’ll stop talking about him.

...Well I also just want to say that his hat is so weird. What kind of prince wears a cap like that? Maybe he’s trying to be un-princelike. Well he can’t fool me! He’s a prince through and through, and no amount of pretending to be all Cool and Hip and Commoner is going to change that. Ughhhh, I can’t stand him. Genuinely just cannot stand the sight of him. I want him dead.

Okay, NOW I’ll stop talking about him…

-

[24]

Dear diary,

He’s trying so hard to be friends with me. I can just sense it. Does he really think I’ll just give in that easily? His charms don’t work on me, okay? I’m immune to everything he does!

Oh wait, hang on, I’m not meant to be talking about him – fine. I have better things to talk about anyway.

Like, uh… yeah, Sai and Shielda. They’ve been being the usual amount of annoying lately. Guess there’s not that much to say about them.

Also classes. Everything there is about the normal level of normal. Same with knight training. (Well, except my stupid sidequest of having to protect a certain someone…)

My brother is still ignoring my messages. Nothing new there.

Huh… what else am I supposed to write about? All I ever think about these days is…

NO! Do NOT take that out of context, whatever far future civilization has discovered my diary and is now reading it! Don’t you dare!

I think about how much I HATE him, that’s all. That’s what I’m constantly thinking about. Okay?!

And now that’s settled, I definitely won’t be writing about him anymore. At all. No more mentioning him in here from now onwards. I get enough of him in my normal life already, after all. Always having to accompany him, because god forbid he walk down a corridor and be suddenly killed, because all his other friends are entirely useless and so is he…

Alright. I’m done, I swear. No more.

-

[25]

Dear diary,

WELL FUCK. FUCKING HELL. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK. FUCK.

Yeah this?? may be very incoherent because it’s the middle of the night and I just woke up... and I’m not waking up the twins so I gotta sneak this diary out and write by moonlight….

I’m going to have a fucking heart attack, or a stroke or something. What is wrong with my brain?

I just… just… don’t even want to write it. But no one’s gonna read this, are they? If they do I’ll just kill them. Quite literally. I am past the point of being able to give a fuck about committing murder. It is 2AM and I am currently in a freaked out state of mind, I will happily kill anyone and everyone.

So yeah. I just had a dream and it was like… Okay I’m just gonna squint a lot and write it fast. I had a dream that Boboiboy kissed me and wow I have no idea where the fuck THAT came from and now I need to go have multiple heart attacks and die within the next 10 minutes.

God… Why am I like this??? It wasn’t even… a bad dream. Actually, um, it was the opposite. Listen! He’s hot, okay? Have you seen him? It’s common knowledge! It’s not just me who thinks so! From a completely objective point of view, he’s totally attractive. I know that.

And, and oh man, he’s nice. Friendly, sweet, kind, always smiling.

Fuck… I hate this so much…

Like… kissing him… would be kinda nice. If I didn’t absolutely hate him, that is. But ughhhhhh, he’s so cute, so hot, so perfect, IT’S SO UNFAIR. I’M GOING TO KILL HIM.

Honestly, it was only about a second or so, but the second I woke up I just flipped out and punched my pillow several times – welp, I hope the twins didn’t wake up too.

Fucking hell. I don’t even know what to think.

How can I possibly go back to sleep now?

-

[26]

Dear diary,

WELL SHIT, I FUCKED UP AGAIN. WHY AM I LIKE THIS???????

If I press down so hard with the pen that it rips the paper, just know that it is a representation of my own soul. I’m officially a complete utter imbecile, a moron, an idiot. I think if I lay down right now I’d just die of shame.

I called him “attractive” today. Out loud. To his face.

I mean, I’m not wrong! He is! But now what’s he going to think?! He’ll get the total wrong idea! He’ll think I… I don’t know… care about him or something? And I really don’t!

Well I did throw Adu Du down the stairs for him today. But that was also for my sake, because it’s Adu Du’s fault that Boboiboy is so popular in the first place. Kind of the cause of all my problems.

That stupid dream from last night… I’m just going to not ever sleep again. Who needs sleep anyway? If I stay awake forever, I won’t have to deal with my stupid idiot sleep-brain wanting to snog a cute boy, and instead I can focus on my cool smart awake-brain, who wants to stab said cute boy with a cactus.

He, um, had a bit of a go at me today actually. Yelling at me that he’s done nothing wrong, and why am I being mean to him, all that stuff. Well I told him it’s because he doesn’t deserve that popularity, he’s done absolutely nothing for it!

And then I… ughhhh, oh god, and then I called him attractive… End my entire life. Please. Someone, just drag me into the road and let me be run over.

Should I tell the twins? Hmm, nah, they’d probably just laugh, they wouldn’t understand…

I still can’t believe Boboiboy really did snap at me today. He’s usually so nice. I thought that was just some sort of princely facade, but I guess… I guess he’s just been honest with me the whole time. I don’t know. Seeing him lose his temper, however short a time for, it… it’s made me respect him a little more, actually.

But only a little! I refuse to let this change how I feel about him. He’s just some stupid Benevolent prince, and who cares if he’s attractive? He’s not as attractive as ME, so there!

-

[27]

Dear diary,

I want him dead. He KNOWS. And he’s messing with me. On purpose.

No, listen. I didn’t sleep last night actually – I was, um, well I didn’t daydream too much, I swear. I also was trying to karate chop the bed in half to keep myself awake and reduce my anger. (The twins say I have too much of a temper and that I need to chill out.)

And then today, I had bought some donuts, and that stupid boy… Well first things first he treats me like a complete idiot. Ringing me up and asking if I’m a vampire! Seriously!! I don’t even like answering the phone, I wouldn’t do it if it wasn’t him.

And then he started following me around, still trying to be all ~Friendly~ and ~Nice~. Then Adu Du tried to drop a chandelier on him, and as much as I wanted to let it fall, I can’t just do that, can I? So I saved him, and he had the audacity to just – just – !

...I can’t even say. My dignity has been torn to pieces. (Along with my poor donuts.)

He was FLIRTING.

Yeah. And he was doing it on purpose to mock me. I just know he was. That mischievous gleam in his eyes, that stupid grin on his face…

Can you believe? After my complete fuck-up yesterday, he knows that I like him. I MEAN – NOT THAT I LIKE HIM! You know what I mean!! He knows that he is attractive, and that this may or may not have adverse effects on me, and for those reasons, he was completely blatantly flirting in an attempt to make fun of me.

Well guess what? It fucking worked. I never want to look at anyone in the eye ever again. How can I? All I can do is sit here eating the remains of my donuts, and they’ve almost run out already…

How am I going to stop myself from falling asleep tonight? I… I kind of… WANT to…? Listen, I don’t like Boboiboy, I’ve said it a lot of times already. But, uh, I wouldn’t necessarily say no to another dream like that one from the other day.

Superficially, okay??? Superficially, it would be nice to kiss him. His face is so fucking cute. Like, on a completely superficial level. I’m not – you know, INTERESTED. And the problem is that he knows all of this. That’s why he thinks it’s funny to get me all flustered on purpose.

Stupid smug little son of a bitch, I’ll shove him into a blender once I’m done kissing him…

I need to get out of this room, it’s stifling. The twins are in here too and they keep glancing over at me and then laughing, like they know I’m in deep pain and they think it’s hilarious. I can’t stand it in here! I need a distraction!

Maybe I’ll go practice some of those My Alchemical Romance songs on my guitar. What if I wrote my own? It would be fun to try writing some kind of poetic serenade. Not about anyone in particular, obviously! And I’m definitely doing it out of earshot of the twins, or I’ll never hear the end of it.

-

[28]

Dear diary,

Never mind. I need someone to smash my guitar over my head repeatedly until I can no longer feel anything ever again.

I did NOT realize that was Boboiboy’s window I was playing the serenade outside.

I’m going to go pack all my things and move to the south pole forever.

-

[29]

Dear diary,

The point of having a diary is to write something once a day, isn’t it? This is the third time I’m writing in here today and it’s almost midnight, I have no idea what’s wrong with me. (No, I’m not at the south pole… too cold there. I’d have to wear sleeves.)

He called me a good singer! And accused me of trying to court him! As if I really am some old-timey medieval knight or something!

How… how is anyone supposed to resist it when he SAYS things like that??!!!

I can’t. I can’t stand this. I’ll drag him into the kitchens and throw him into a vat of boiling water. How dare he just so… effortlessly…

Do you think he likes me? He probably doesn’t, right? Otherwise why would he purposely be tormenting me like this? I have to one-up him, I just have to. I’ll flirt back, I swear to god. I’ll do it until he’s forced to feel the same way that I do every time I look at him. You know, hating him so much and yet…

Oh for fuck’s sake, what am I supposed to do? I already punched every wall on the way back to my chamber and it doesn’t stop the fact that I… ugh, I can’t deny it. It doesn’t stop the fact that I have a stupid crush on this stupid prince. I’ll crush HIM, I seriously will. Slam his fingers in the door. Throw him into a spaceship propeller.

But first I just really badly want to kiss him…

Sai and Shielda better not fucking be awake right now. My pillow is the only thing as soft and squishy as that dumb prince’s face, and… god, no one’s watching, I don’t care.

-

[30]

Dear diary,

Things… happened today. First of all, he got stabbed. Only with a compass. I thought it would feel good to watch, but uh… look, I know I’ve been wishing absurd amounts of violence on him from the start, but it really is not that satisfying seeing him hurt in real life. At least it was only a little injury. I quickly cleaned it up.

Later on he got trapped in a room so I went and threw Adu Du through the nearest window, because come on?? Two assassination attempts in one day??? Stop giving Boboiboy unnecessary attention!! It only makes everyone care about him more!

Saving him all the time like this… I hate to call it romantic, but what else is it? I’m his knight, aren’t I?

He seems to think it’s romantic, anyway. You should have seen the way he looked at me – like I’m his hero, swooping in to save the day. I guess I kind of am. And yeah, it’s… sort of romantic, okay, I’ll admit that much…

Then that reminded me how he’d been messing with my entire life and dignity the other day, so I ignored my brain and did the exact same to him. He had told me to be a real old-timey medieval knight, bowing down and kissing his hand – so I did! Hah, the way his face went red! I bet he wasn’t expecting that, was he?

I still can’t believe I really did that…

I don’t know what he’s playing at, but obviously he recognizes how handsome and amazing I am, and it’s bugging him as much as the other way round. That really… just… makes me feel some kind of way. I don’t even know what!

I need to… ughhhhh, he’s driving me crazy. I need to hold him. Or kiss him. Or something. I can’t get over the way he looked at me!!! Why am I like this? I’m going to cry, he’s just…! I’m supposed to be hating him! Not falling for him!!!

Just because he’s so nice and sweet and perfect… and makes me really WANT to care about him...

No, I can’t forget how he thinks it’s so amusing to mock me, just like everyone else does too. He’s no different from them. Plus, he’s a prep! A… a very hot prep, yes, I know… But he wouldn’t understand me anyway. Worst of all, he’s a prince. I hate princes.

But for fuck’s sake! He likes me! What now? I’m… in way too deep… If he starts flirting again, or swooning, or whatever the fuck he’s been doing to me, I’ll have to just… either run away, or…

Oh, no one had ever better read this thing. I’m just pouring out my heart and soul into here and not even trying to pretend anymore.

-

[31]

Dear diary,

I kissed him today. How could I not? If only you had seen the look he was giving me in that closet… I’ve never seen anyone swoon so hard. It’s been all I can think about. I thought maybe if I did it, my brain would finally stop going crazy whenever he’s near. But now it’s even worse. I want to do it again…

He’s so infuriating! If he ever comes that close again, I won’t hesitate to wipe the smile off his face by – by – ugh, how can I even write it, the things I would do to that boy? I want to say I’d slap him, but the truth is I’d want to press him up against the wall and kiss his stupid face so hard he goes numb, can’t speak, can’t think, can’t breathe… there, I wrote it! Kill me now. End my suffering. I hate him so much, I’m going to die.

Fucking hell, diary. For fuck’s sake. Sai tells me I say “fuck” a lot for an ace guy – yeah well he’s right. How else can I express my emotions??? Fucking hell, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…

-

[32]

Dear diary,

Not even going to pretend I’m sane. Still can’t stop thinking about that closet. Yeah, it was a closet I kissed him in, funny how that works huh? Couldn’t really write about it properly, I was still too dizzy and distracted at the time.

I thought he’d be mad at me today. Because after the… thing… I just told him to forget about it, and he definitely looked pissed off. But now he’s not even mad? He gave me half a donut just now, telling me we should be civil…

Come on, how can I even hate him when he’s being like that? So genuinely nice, even if he’s upset… or maybe he’s not upset… I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t really care about the kiss. Maybe I – oh god, maybe I’m bad at kissing???

No, surely not, he was DEFINITELY enjoying it…

Heck. I was too. It was the first time I’ve ever done that, so… yeah.

I think Sai and Shielda know something’s going on. Sai came and awkwardly patted me on the head and Shielda said she’s around if I ever need someone to talk to. Hah, there is no way I’m telling them any of this. But they’ve probably already guessed half of it anyway – all I do is talk about Boboiboy…

He’s so friendly. I hate it. But I just can’t bring myself to hate HIM! I mean, I do! But I also don’t! Would it be worth it to actually be his friend? He’s really not that bad for a prince, nowhere near as much as I thought. I just… really can’t hate him. Not truly.

Guess I’ll just hate myself then instead!

-

[33]

Dear diary,

For once in my mediocre existence I’ve actually had some time to calm down after certain Stressful Events before starting to write in here, so this might be more coherent and less angsty and dramatic than usual.

So, first of all I heard from the Malevolents that Adu Du had gone a bit nuts last night, kidnapping Boboiboy and trying to kill him, and Gopal had to save him. Listen – I’m not like… JEALOUS jealous? But come on, I’m his knight, it should be ME who saves him…

Anyway, apparently it was all kinds of traumatic and terrible (pffff, obviously, since I wasn’t there to save the day) so I begged Kaizo for advice on how to protect my prince better, and guess what? He actually replied! Only to yell at me for pestering him!

Fuck it, there’s no point trying to talk to him, is there? He’ll never help me out.

But anyway, moving on. This morning I got the worst news of my entire life.

THIS IS NO LONGER A PRIVATE DIARY. IT HAS BEEN READ BY AT LEAST FOUR PEOPLE.

No, that’s not including me. (To be honest I haven’t even read it back through – too cringey…) Boboiboy came to visit and handed it to me, saying Gopal stole it and read it. Even Boboiboy himself read some of it! Not just anything, but the page where I… you know… the closet? Ughhhhhhhhhh I still want to die just thinking about it…

This is so humiliating. It’s on another level entirely. I’m tempted to find the nearest volcano and throw this diary into it. And then maybe leap in myself too, we’ll see.

(Okay I lied earlier, I still need to be dramatic. Just a little bit.)

At least… at least he was nice about it? He admitted he read it, he said sorry, he gave it back, he didn’t mock me at all over any of it, he even invited me to spend some time with him at the café…

Why is he so cute and perfect? It’s really unfair. I can’t even be mad at him! I see him and I immediately… just… yearn??? He’s so nice! How can I possibly help liking him?! Even when he fucks up and does stuff that’s unquestionably wrong it’s impossible to keep hating him!!

Plus, even though he read that page, it’s not like it would have told him anything new. It doesn’t make it any less embarrassing, but… oh, I don’t even know. He’s so freaking cute.

Then there’s Gopal… yeah, I don’t actually care. I bet Boboiboy tells him everything anyway. He definitely already knew about the closet, that’s for sure. Well – I think a decent chunk of the entire school know, because no one here can fucking keep their mouth shut except for me apparently.

No, I guess I’m okay with the fact that those two read this thing. I mean, not OKAY as such, but I can handle it. It won’t happen again. I trust Boboiboy enough to know that. This will pass, I’ll get over it once I’ve had some time to scream into my pillow and punch several walls while listening to very loud music.

However.

HOWEVER.

Remember how I said there were FOUR people who read my diary? Boboiboy and Gopal are two of them. Guess who the other two are???

SAI AND SHIELDA. MY OWN ROOMMATES.

They are fucking dead to me.

The treason, the betrayal, the – the –

I… actually, you know what? I have to go find a dartboard and print out a picture of their faces and… and let off some steam… maybe throw some darts directly at their real faces too… maybe chop off their heads… decapitation is a wonderful execution method befitting the most treasonous of traitors…

-

[34]

Dear diary,

I refuse to speak to them. They dared read my diary, even though I specifically told them not to, and didn’t even have the decency to TELL ME???

“Oh but in our defence it was hilarious!” – You – you – WELL IN MY DEFENCE, THROWING YOU OUT OF THE WINDOW WOULD BE HILARIOUS, WOULDN’T IT???

I hate so much that they’re fully-fledged knights. They’re better fighters than me so I can’t just outright commit murder. Even hiring a Malevolent as an assassin wouldn’t work, I bet.

Listen, I’m just… so sad. I hate saying this, but I kind of thought they cared about me, you know? My own actual big brother is not very good at the sibling thing, but these two… I don’t know, they actually felt like what siblings are supposed to be. And now they’ve gone and Kaizo’d me behind my back.

I guess terrible betrayal must be a sibling thing too then…

To think that while I was away, they’ve been reading through here and mocking me for it. Laughing at all my pain.

Ugh, forget them. They don’t deserve me. In the meantime, I’ll go make proper friends with Boboiboy. See? Take that! Even someone I used to literally HATE is better than you, traitors!!!

And from now on I’m locking up this diary. They’re never allowed to read it again.

-

[35]

Dear diary,

I can’t believe it. I actually vented out loud to someone today.

Don’t get me wrong, I vent out loud a lot. But everyone just writes it off as “emo whining” and they tune out and ignore me. That’s why I end up just writing it all in here. But I was still so mad about my traitor roommates, and constantly using the silent treatment on them is so hard when they keep trying to talk to me, so I had to do something!

Yeah. Turns out Boboiboy is a very good listener when he’s not actively mocking me.

Maybe he was feeling guilty, considering he read a bit of this diary too. But hey – he had the decency to actually tell me outright and apologize to me! And… y’know… it actually concerns him. I write about him a lot in here, of course he wanted to know what I was saying. How can I really blame him for reading it? (I’m still gonna blame him though. But like, mildly.)

He patiently listened to me rambling on and on about how much I hate Sai and Shielda, how much I want their heads on a platter, all of that stuff. Then he gave me some hot chocolate and donuts and told me not to worry about them.

It was… really, REALLY nice of him.

And it also made me think a bit, put my problems in perspective. I’m just some guy with a dumb crush that I’m trying to get over, with some untrustworthy roommates. Boboiboy literally has someone out to kill him! And yet he’s so chill about it???

Ugh, I’ll never be able to get over him if I keep talking to him like this, hanging out with him, he makes it so impossible. He’s far too easy to love. I hate to say this, but I kind of get why everyone at this Academy used to stan him so much when he first arrived…

-

[36]

Dear diary,

He almost got killed by flamethrower yesterday, fucking hell???

Anyway, he’s now under strict orders to spend as much time with me as possible, so that he doesn’t get caught out and nearly killed again.

Hahahahahaha. I’m so screwed. Fuck.

-

[37]

Dear diary,

Almost threw hands with Mr Paint Tool Sai today. He was literally frying food in that shield helmet thing of his, I wanted to murder him. But I’m still forbidding myself from talking to him, and I know it’s possible to kill people without saying a word, but then he wouldn’t know why I was killing him because I wouldn’t be able to say anything while doing it! And anyway, killing him would be acknowledging his presence, and I don’t want to do that.

Oh diary, what am I going to do? I can’t deny it – I miss their company. They are my roommates, after all, I was getting so used to having them to talk to. They helped me out with my homework, my training, they sometimes listened when I ranted and didn’t always laugh too hard at me for it…

I wish they hadn’t done it. Betrayed my trust and all that. I wish I could still consider them as siblings…

In other news, I am still so fucking screwed. Every time I talk to Boboiboy I just get more and more… oh come on!!! I don’t want to say “more and more in love” because that sounds like the stupidest thing ever! But then what the heck else am I meant to say?

Sometimes I see him out of the corner of my eye giving me this… this look. Similar to how he did back in that stupid closet. It really makes me um… want to repeat that scenario. Maybe without getting interrupted this time.

Ughhh, no, I can’t just kiss him again, can I? He’d kill me this time. Well no he wouldn’t, he’s sweet! But he’s also got all this assassination stuff to be dealing with, he’s all stressed out and on-edge. Hmm, well, kissing might help de-stress him in that case…

No! I need to go climb the nearest tree, grab a branch, and bonk myself over the head with it. No more pining over this dumb prince. I won’t allow myself.

-

[38]

Dear diary,

I was using a cardboard cutout of Shielda for knife-throwing target practice (while crying), and the next thing I knew, she and her brother suddenly showed up and knocked me to the ground with a well-thrown shield.

(Their throwing skills are so much better than mine, this is so unfair! How much more practice is it going to take to get decent at it?!)

I had been about to go berserk and cause their painful deaths when they finally said it.

“We’re sorry.”

Yeah. They actually apologized. And they were looking so sheepish as they did it, there was no way it wasn’t genuine.

They went on to say that it had been mean of them to not take my feelings into account, that they’d noticed how upset this all had made me, they miss me, and that from now on they’ll actually do their best to help as opposed to just mocking me for fun.

I was shook, obviously. They also then said that Boboiboy’s squad had all been giving them death glares out and about, and they realized that if even Benevolents were hating them for their actions, then they really must have been jerks.

Then they gave me some red carrot donuts. You know I can’t resist those.

So yeah… I am on speaking terms with my roommates again, thank goodness. Maybe I won’t have to cry myself to sleep every night from now on.

I’m so relieved, diary. I hadn’t even realized how much I was missing them.

-

[39]

Dear diary,

They’ve been giving me advice now. Their advice sucks, by the way.

Sai: “You are the thirstiest person I know. Please drink at least eighty-four gallons of water per day and reduce your salt intake.”

Shielda: “Send your damn pillowcase to the laundry, it’ll get mould growing on it otherwise. And practising on your prince is a better option anyway.”

First of all, if I drank that much water I’d be DEAD. I’m not THAT thirsty, okay? I mean… alright I daydream a lot about a certain person and thinking about him dragging me into a dark room and sticking his hands up my shirt and snogging me brainless makes me very, very weak, but – but – well okay fine I’m thirsty! But at least I’m thirsty in an ACE way, okay? This could have been so much worse, you idiot twins have no idea how lucky you have it.

Secondly, how the fuck do they know about the pillow? They’re always asleep when I’m practising ki– uh… I don’t even want to write it, that’s way too cringey.

Thirdly, of course I’m not going to practise on him! Can you imagine how badly that conversation would go? He was already mad at me for messing around in the closet, I can’t just ask him for kissing practice!

Well… I mean… it would be nice. But I don’t even care about wanting practice, I know he liked it last time so I must have been at least alright at it.

...Okay I really need to stop writing about kissing, this is making me WAY too, uh, hot and flustered. I’m fanning myself with this fucking moudly pillowcase.

-

[40]

Dear diary,

Overheard Shielda calling me “Enoby Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way” so I tried to disown her again, but at the last second she whipped around with an entire box of red carrot donuts??? Listen… I know perfectly well she’s just bribing me into being some kind of pitiable little brother so that all her classmates feel sorry for her (and Sai’s doing the same thing too).

But… but I’d do anything for red carrot donuts.

I’m conflicted, okay?!

-

[41]

Dear diary,

Everything in the entire universe is unfair. It was windy and stupid Sai left the windows open, not caring about if bugs get in apparently, and my homework literally flew out of the window!! Can you believe my luck? I had to go running around chasing it, like some kind of demented moron. It was the most humiliating thing in my life! So many people must have seen me!

The windy weather is also bad for other reasons. I mean, it does make my longcoat look fantastic, so that’s one good thing at least. But it also almost knocked off my visor – how am I supposed to see without that thing on? (Well okay, my vision’s not TOO bad. But I’d look way less cool without it on, okay?)

It also briefly knocked off Boboiboy’s hat…

Did I mention everything is unfair? I did, right? Well it is. Everything is so unfair. Seeing his hair like that, I just get this longing to… run my hand through it…

I did do it once, you know. In that closet. I’m not ever going to forget that.

Anyway, then Gopal just went and so casually just ruffled his hair, like it’s no big deal?? While I’m here wondering if I dare even LOOK in that hot prince’s direction or would that be too much??? Actually touching his hair again would, I think, kill me.

I’m absolutely losing it, honestly, what is it about him that is so successful at transforming me into some kind of… some… sappy… hopeless romantic…? I can’t freaking help it. It’s only getting worse now that I’m sort of becoming his actual friend. Spending a lot of time with him. All that stuff.

Ohhhh fine – I need somewhere to vent about how annoyingly amazing he is, how pretty and kissable his face is, how much I adore him, and I can’t very well say this out loud to anyone so I’ll have to write it in here or otherwise I’ll go mad! I love him!! I love him a lot!!! He’s too much for me!!!! What the fuck am I supposed to do!!!!!

Ugh… must… go… consume… bleach…

-

[42]

Dear diary,

Sadly it turns out the cupboard with bleach in it is locked and I’m not allowed to get in. So at dinner I instead put lots of chilli powder on my food, hoping it would kill me. Turns out it did kill me – through embarrassment! I had to run over and dunk my entire head into a giant vat of water, it was awful. I’ll never do that again.

And the twins won’t stop making fun of me for it, like “Oh Fang were you trying to cool your thirst, huh?” Why won’t they just SHUT UP? If they’re not going to help me out with this then the least they can do is leave me alone and not mention it at all!

Even Boboiboy was giggling at me over it. I wanted to punch his face. And also make out with it. He is just… really cute when he laughs, though I hate that it was ME he was laughing at.

What should I even do? Should I ask him out for real? There’s no way he’d say yes, not after what I did last time.

But… but what if he would say yes?

Ohhhh, I need to go get a shovel and start digging my own grave. Here lies Fang, he died of a heart attack and also despair and sadness because he was swooning too hard over some idiot prince. Sai and Shielda would leave donuts on my grave. Kaizo would just laugh. My ghost would never be able to rest in peace. I would be tormented for all eternity.

I, uh, really need more sleep.

-

[43]

Dear diary,

That dumb Malevolent alien hasn’t even been trying to kill Boboiboy recently, so what’s the point of my job? For that matter, what if Adu Du stops for real? For good? Then I genuinely wouldn’t be needed!

I was crying about it earlier, lying on my bed and hugging my pillow (a new one I swear, not the moudly one) and Shielda actually came over and HUGGED me. Yeah. Didn’t think she was the huggy type. Well, considering how awkward it was, and how much she was wincing, she probably really isn’t the huggy type…

It was nice, though. She said I’ll always be her little brother.

That made me cry harder, of course, because Kaizo never says anything like that to me. He just fucking sucks. And then Shielda seemed pretty unamused, so she slowly backed away and held out a tissue box at arm’s length. I think she hates it when I cry because she’s just so emotionless aside from “gleeful sadism” that she has no idea how to deal with me being an emo wreck.

And an emo wreck I am. I just can’t get that stupid prince off my mind – I’m going to punch the wall so hard my fingers break! He’s… he… oh, his face, and his hair, and his voice… and the way he smiles… that absurdly “please kiss me right now” look he was giving me in the closet… the way he was wrapping his arms around me, like he didn’t want to stop… the way his lips just…!

Alright, I’m sitting here with a face bright red, aggressively fanning myself and trying not to self-combust. I’m head-over-heels for him, what’s the point denying it? I love him so much it hurts. But I would never say this stuff out loud or I’d just die! Why can’t he read my mind and just KNOW??? But then again oh god, I would never want anyone to read my mind, even putting stuff in this diary is risky enough.

Plus, maybe he’d freak out a bit if he knew what was going on inside my head. There’s, um, a reason Sai calls me “thirstiest motherfucker alive”. I just… have a lot of emotions, okay? A lot of emotions to do with hugging and kissing. It’s not like I’m the only one! Sai’s just too used to his sister being as aro as he is, having a roommate like me is new for them both.

-

[44]

Dear diary,

It’s almost the holidays. Have I really already been at the Academy that long? Anyway, I’m not going home for the break – Boboiboy will still be here, so obviously I’m staying to protect him. I think his friends might be planning to stay too but I’m not sure.

His friends… I may as well call them my friends too, right? I know I write less about them in here. But they are actually a pretty cool squad, alright? A bit hard to get used to, but they’re all really nice. If anything, I just hate them a lot less than I hate everyone else, so in comparison, that makes them my friends.

Gopal is very weird. But it’s not like I’m not weird either, so I can’t complain. Yaya is kind of scary, but when she’s not being terrifying, she is very kind, so I guess that’s okay. Ying… hah, can you believe I used to have a crush on her? Turns out she is a huge dork. Ochobot is pretty adorable, I actually love that robot and I don’t mind saying so. Even Boboiboy’s granddad is nice.

They’re all used to me by now. It makes sense to call them my friends, doesn’t it? I think they’d all consider me the same way.

But… ugh! I just hate calling people friends out loud! Maybe it’s the Kaizo genes coming through, but it just makes me feel so weak and pathetic…

Oh, I don’t care. They are my friends. Boboiboy included. All of them… my friends. Just like Sai and Shielda. I actually finally have friends here at this place.

It does suck that so many of them are Benevolents, though…

-

[45]

Dear diary,

My life is officially over. The other knights-in-training cornered me today and asked me when I’m going to ask out Boboiboy.

I’m so glad it’s going to be the holidays, I can never face them again now. They know! They literally know!! That’s it for me – I have to leave and never see any of them ever again in my life. They need to have their memories wiped and forget about my existence. Hey, if I hit them hard enough, would it give them amnesia? I need to do that. I need to hit all of them extremely hard. Or maybe I should just kill them, in case all else fails.

Look, I can’t just… ASK OUT Boboiboy. Not because he’s a prince! But because… well… I’m not saying he’s too good for me, because obviously he isn’t, I’m amazing! It’s just… we have that weird history between us. It’s way too awkward and weird. I honestly don’t even know how he feels about me. Like yeah, he thinks I am hella fine and worthy of occasionally snogging off in a closet somewhere, but… what does he think of ME? Like, as a person? Does he even want a boyfriend?

His granddad approves of me, at least. It’s easy to tell. The dude’s been trying to set us up for ages now, he’s not even subtle.

-

[46]

Dear diary,

Oh well should I ask him out?? Or make a move?? I’ll never know if I don’t try, right? It keeps weighing on my mind a lot, especially whenever I’m with him. He’s just… right THERE. I could do it. Tell him I really like him, all that stuff.

Come on, why is it so difficult??? I’ve literally kissed the guy before! And he was definitely kissing me back!!

But that was easy, because I knew I could just back out of it afterwards, and anyway I still hated him at the time, because he had that habit of mocking me on purpose and it hurt… This would be a lot more, um, heartfelt. Real.

I guess that’s why I can’t do it. The emotionless Kaizo side of me kicking in, huh? Sometimes I WISH I was Kaizo – not having to deal with all this stuff. Heck, if I really was him, I would be a lot nicer to my own little brother, and I’d give him as many red carrot donuts as he wanted. And I would never be mean to him. And I’d answer his fucking texts…

-

[47]

Dear diary,

KAIZO ANSWERED HIS TEXTS. AND IT LED TO THE WORST POSSIBLE OUTCOME. I’M GOING TO GO GET AN AXE AND CLEAVE OUT MY OWN INTESTINES. OH GOD, I HAVE FUCKED THINGS UP SO BADLY. IF I DIE HALFWAY THROUGH WRITING THIS, JUST LAUNCH MY DEAD BODY INTO THE SUN.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay, I need to calm down enough to at least write SOMETHING coherent.

So. First of all, Boboiboy was being the biggest sweetheart ever. Adu Du was being bullied like he deserves, and what did my precious prince do? OFFERED THE GUY SOME HOT CHOCOLATE. I swear to fuck, I can’t. I can’t deal with this. I didn’t know whether to slap him or propose to him.

Then later we shared a drink together at the café. And then later in his room I sort of um… no, I didn’t kiss him, I definitely WANTED to, and especially since he was giving me that look again, oh for fuck’s sake, I don’t know how I resisted it… I just hugged him tight and told him he’s my friend. Holy fuck. I need to hug him more, dammit. I probably would have kissed him, actually. I was certainly going to.

BUT NO. BECAUSE THEN MY BROTHER ACTUALLY GOES AND TEXTS ME.

What kind of terrible timing? I swear, it’s like Kaizo KNOWS. And is purposely trying to inconvenience me as much as possible.

So yeah, it turned out the super great and almighty (that’s sarcasm) Captain Kaizo himself had arrived and wanted to see me for some reason. So I went to talk to him, and he had the nerve to try and pull me out of school! Like come on! Back when I was actually complaining about being here he completely ignored me, and now that I like it here, he wanted me to leave???

Now, I don’t usually tend to argue with Kaizo. He can be very, um… torture-y. But oh boy, I am not leaving. No way. And luckily Kaizo didn’t seem in too bad a mood, so he said I could stay as long as he approved of Boboiboy. So I introduced him, and uh…

Well, on the bright side, Kaizo does approve of him? And would probably approve of him as a brother-in-law too, judging by what he said about it?

And then he left, and I JUST HAD TO GO AND COMPLETELY MESS EVERYTHING UP LIKE A STUPID IDIOT.

Yep. Turns out trying to kiss Boboiboy again was NOT a good idea, because he is still VERY VERY MAD about what I did last time and hasn’t forgotten, not one bit.

I need to just… ugh… crawl into a hole and die??? What is wrong with me, honestly? Why did I think that was a good time to do it?! Of course he’s still upset! I never said sorry to him, did I? In fact, looking back at this absurdly cringey diary, from his point of view it probably seems like I’ve been a huge jerk in several ways and have only very recently done a 180, so why wouldn’t he still be mad at me for it? I used to make it so clear I hated him, and I even went and broke his heart too, and I’ve never apologized, and…

And now he’s off sulking somewhere and won’t answer my messages. How am I supposed to protect him like this??? I know he’s upset, but he’s got an assassin after him!!! If he dies now, it’ll be my fault!!!

Well apparently he’s been texting his other friends and letting them know he’s okay, and just ignoring me I guess. Hey, it’s not like I’m not used to having my messages being ignored :’)

But I’m just so livid!! At myself!!! It’s all my fault he’s feeling this way. I’ve been such a jerk. He’s such a sunshiney sweetheart, and I managed to make him mad enough to literally shove me away and go be emo somewhere all alone…

The twins have already left for the holidays and I’m glad, because I’ve kinda been crying non-stop and I may or may not have stabbed the curtains and also punched the mirror. They’d probably just laugh at me for suffering some consequences for once.

Honestly? I deserve to be laughed at.

Oh for heck’s sake, next time I see him I’m apologizing. For real. If I ever even see him again, that is – he might just die and then I’d have to go find the nearest chainsaw and ask someone to dismember me. I’m just really worried for him, and annoyed at myself, and nervous and scared and embarrassed and TOO MANY FEELINGS. Someone please drill a hole in my brain and let some of these feelings out. I’m dying!!!

-

[48]

Dear diary,

Heh. Past-me deserves a good smack in the face. I’m not dying any longer, I can tell you that. In fact, I couldn’t be in a better mood. Yes, happy Fang for once! It’s true. I am happy. And that feels very, very weird to write.

He saved me today. Yep! HE saved ME! How the tables have turned, huh?

Some weird new alien showed up at the Academy, kidnapping all his friends, me included, to use as bait. I thought we were all done for. And it would have been such an annoying way to go! Killed by some random alien?? Come on, there are way better ways to die. I’ve listed several of them in this diary already.

But then Boboiboy saved us… Can you believe it? A Benevolent with no combat abilities, actually saving the day? And then once we were free, all his friends started helping out! It was crazy! Okay, I may have been pretty harsh on Benevolents in the past. But they have a fantastic fighting spirit. Every single one of them would make amazing knights if they had the opportunity to learn how to be one.

(Not as good as me, though. Obviously I’m the best. Someday I’ll be better than Sai and Shielda, I swear.)

In the battle Adu Du turned out to be working for our side (he’s switched because he decided that coffee is better than cocoa, so he doesn’t need to kill Boboiboy after all) and dropped a gargoyle on the new evil guy, and I’d called Kaizo to come and arrest him. Boboiboy was hurt so he was resting in the hospital wing for a while, and um…

Well everyone seems to know exactly what’s up somehow so they all just left me alone with him. I went and apologized, like I should have done ages ago. Ugh, it was so embarrassing. Apologizing feels awful! Why do we ever do it?

Oh alright, it did make me feel kind of better too… and it made him feel better, which was the important thing. I also tried to tell him I love him, and that failed miserably because I’m just stupidly incompetent when it comes to actually saying meaningful things out loud.

Then… okay, yeah, I can’t stop grinning and probably blushing right now. He kissed me. Um, more than once. He even took off my visor to do it, I thought I was going to have a heart attack, I didn’t realize he could be so smooth or so, uh, good at it. But then he started giggling like an idiot, because apparently neither of us can go more than a minute without trying to make fun of each other. So then I went and got my guitar and played that old serenade for him, because if he’s going to try and make me swoon then I have to do it back to him…

Later we shared some donuts and hot chocolate, it was nice. I think I like having a boyfriend. Even if he is an annoyingly popular, goody-two-shoes Benevolent prince, haha.

Now the twins won’t be able to make fun of me for being a “tsundere thirsty loser” anymore! Well… knowing them, they still will. But they’re on holiday now anyway, so I guess I’ll find out when they get back.

Speaking of holidays… this school has the stupidest of rules sometimes. For example, the one that says Malevolents are allowed to try to murder other students, which is what caused all this mess in the first place. But there was at least a loophole in the “no kissing allowed” rule which meant it was okay as long as it was gay.

Guess what? That rule’s been fucking patched.

Once the holidays are over, I won’t be allowed to kiss my poor prince.

Hmm… I guess this means… I shall have to make the most of these holidays, then… yeah, it’s only logical… makes sense… like, I swear I’m not being thirsty, I mean, okay maybe a little bit? But like… scientifically… logically… I’ll just have to kiss him a lot this week... hehe…

-

[49]

Dear diary,

Turns out, school is so much nicer without all the students and the classes and the homework, who would have known? I like staying here for the holidays!! I think I’ll do that every time. It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do at home, and I’d have to see Kaizo, so it’s just better here.

Seriously though. It’s so nice and QUIET now. I love this so much! I can actually think, I can wander the corridors without running into anyone, I don’t have to see People everywhere. This is just the dream.

Is… is it weird that I already miss Sai and Shielda though? I’m just so used to them being around, even if I’m not talking to them or doing anything much. The room’s almost a little TOO quiet without them. Yeah, I guess it’s nice they’re not here making fun of me for things, but it’s not like I have a use for this pillow anymore anyway now that I’ve got an actual…

Oh, speaking of my wonderful boyfriend, earlier today Gopal gave me a stupid ultimatum, that if Boboiboy and a box of red carrot donuts were both falling off the edge of a cliff and I could only save one, which one would it be? Idiot – obviously donuts can be replaced! Boboiboy can’t! Like yes, I would cry terribly at such a tragic loss, and it would probably take me a very long time to get over, and I’d be traumatized for life – but come on.

-

[50]

Dear diary,

I think I naturally tend towards being nocturnal. Back at home I always had to wake up on time but here, now, I can do essentially whatever I want, and I end up just staying up way too late at night and then not being able to get up in the morning.

The boboiboyfriend is such a fucking dork. He always gets all nervous and flustered when he’s trying to be romantic, and then he starts giggling like an idiot… Well how am I supposed to resist that? I didn’t realize laughter was so attractive, but then again, he seems to think my brooding is attractive, so I guess that works out pretty well.

Uh… on second thoughts… everything he does is attractive these days. He’s just… like that. Ugh, I know, I’m in love, I’m being all stupid and sappy, whatever. I don’t really say things like this out loud so this is the best place for me to gush freely, okay?

-

[51]

Dear diary,

Oh my god I need to die. Perish. I have to yeet myself off this mortal coil. I –

No… I need to stop being so melodramatic all the time, don’t I? But ughhhhhh I can’t help it!!! I have strong emotions!!! And currently they are very negative emotions!!!!!!!!!!

So. Um. I was in the library. And I was looking for books. No one else was in there so I was pretty certain I was alone. And I was looking for a book on um. Well you see… Boboiboy gets all this relationship advice from his friends, and from his granddad, and I get literally nothing because no one ever talks to me, and I just wanted to… I don’t know… know what I’m doing for once??? This is the first time I’ve had a boyfriend, I’m always second-guessing everything I’m doing!!

Like remember how I said I was going to kiss him a lot this week? Well I haven’t, because I get nervous about it, okay? I keep thinking things like is this the right moment? Is this going to turn extremely awkward? Do I ask him first or is that weird? But what if I don’t ask him and he doesn’t want to? How do I even do it properly???

So there I was, in the library, in the non-fiction section, wincing immensely while looking at the puberty books and wishing there was one specifically for aces so that I don’t have to trawl through all that other stuff (like oh god, gross????) and only have to deal with kissing, and then – and then – suddenly – Ying pops up from literally nowhere???

I have no idea how she does it. But I heard the “HI FANG WHAT ARE YOU UP TO” and immediately just yeeted the book at her face and sprinted off at top speed.

Fucking hell. What’s she going to think of me reading something like that?! And plus, she’s going to tell all the others, I know she will! They all love mocking me behind my back! It’s some kind of group bonding activity for them!

I hope there’s a thunderstorm so I can go outside and climb a tree and hopefully get struck by lightning…

-

[52]

Dear diary,

Never mind, Ying is an absolute blessing and I don’t need to get struck by lightning after all.

First of all, she didn’t betray my trust and go around telling everyone. Maybe I underestimated her a bit? In any case, she came over to my room and hammered on the door until I reluctantly let her in, and then she actually started giving me ADVICE.

Okay so, a lot of it was probably terrible. Maybe that’s why Boboiboy is always just a dumb flustered mess with me. With friends like that, there’s no way he’s got any idea what he’s doing. “Don’t forget to breathe” – come on Ying, what kind of advice is that??? Yes we all know what you and Yaya get up to in the kitchens, we’re not dumb, but seriously…

But hey, at least she’s trying to be helpful. It’s very sweet. She also reminded me that the schooltime rule specifically says no kissing on the lips, which means cuddling is still fair game, and also my prince’s entire face is very squishy and cute, so I can still… ahem. She is also still under the impression that I’m a vampire, and all that entails, so um. Well I’m not going to do anything weird, and I told her so! I don’t think she’s convinced.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking diary (well okay diaries don’t think because they’re not alive, but IF they were), just lock the door and then kiss him and who would ever know? But trust me. Yaya is terrifying. I don’t know how, but she would know. If I broke the rules she would just be able to see it in my face. Trust me, okay? I’m not risking it.

-

[53]

Dear diary,

HAHAHAHA YING WAS RIGHT, STUPID IDIOT PRINCE FORGOT TO BREATHE, I may have spent way too long laughing at him for it and he got annoyed and said he would stab me with a compass. (Jokingly, of course! He loves me to pieces…)

But um… yeah. So basically he grabbed me by the hand and dragged me into the nearest closet, which I guess is definitely a successful way of asking for a kiss. He’s too sweet. I’ve really been overthinking things, haven’t I? I don’t have to worry about making things awkward – as long as I don’t break his heart again, it’s all good.

It’s sad that the holidays are already almost over, though. At least the twins will be back later today. I miss my honourary siblings.

Speaking of siblings…

Earlier on I was a bit high on “making fun of Boboiboy” energy (well, and kissing him energy…) and I messaged Kaizo telling him how much I love it here at this school, showing off how happy and well I’m doing without his dreary negative influence to pull me down, all that stuff. Then I realized that was a terrible idea so I deleted the message – I have no idea if he saw it or not, but I seriously hope he didn’t!

Otherwise I am so done for… he really hates it when I’m happy…

-

[54]

Dear diary,

The twins are back!!! I may or may not have leapt directly into a hug as soon as I saw them. That was a bad idea, since they wear armour even in their free time, so it was very uncomfortable. Also, they started laughing at me, so that was pretty rude too. But then they did both pat me on the head and tell me that they missed my “annoying hilarious shenanigans to bully me over”, which I think is their way of saying that they love me.

Classes begin again tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to it. First of all I’ll be getting homework again, which sucks. Sai only helps me out if he’s in a good mood, same with Shielda and combat training, so I’ll have to stay on their good side, and that’s so hard to do when snarking at them is so much fun!

Also, I’ll have to see all the other students again now that they’re back too. Ugh, I hate those guys. They’re all so preppy and annoying. I saw a bunch of them staring at me today and I didn’t even care, I stuck my middle finger up at them. Stupid fucking preps. Only certain preps are valid, okay?

Speaking of valid preps… no kisses from Boboiboy from tomorrow onwards. Not proper ones anyway. According to Ying I should “be more creative”… by that she definitely means “be a vampire” though, so I think I’ll just not. I’ll kiss my precious prince’s nose and hug him tight and fiddle with the little white streak in his hair and… and… uh I think I need to lie down… suddenly feeling very lovestruck, hehe.

-

[55]

Dear diary,

Well. That’s it. My life is officially over.

I am dead and my corpse is writing this. Dead on the inside, anyway. Only a matter of time before the outside rots away too.

If I could disintegrate and never have to look at anyone ever again in my life, I would. Spending eternity in exile wouldn’t even feel long enough. I just need to disappear forever and never exist again. No – I need to have my entire existence, past and present, erased from history.

Kaizo has ruined EVERYTHING.

I’m going to throw up and then just lay down and die of shame.

And then I will eat this diary, so that no one can ever know of its existence. No wait, that’s not good enough – I’ll shred it, then throw the shredded remains into an active volcano, then I will nuke the volcano, and then have it consumed by a black hole, and then I will destroy the entire universe and multiverse.

Fucking hell. I didn’t think it was possible to feel this much humiliation. Wow. Seriously, WOW. I knew Kaizo could be cruel, but… yeah. This was something else.

Alright fine, I guess I’ll explain what happened, so you don’t think I’m just being all melodramatic for no reason. No, I HAVE reasons. Extremely painful and terrible reasons, you’ll see.

Kaizo showed up after school yesterday with no warning at all. I was alone in my room, having just pulled out this diary to write something in it, and he just suddenly marched in. It gave me a heart attack like you wouldn’t believe! (Like, could he not at least knock first? Or warn me that he was going to visit?)

So of course I scrambled to my feet and greeted him and asked what the fuck he was doing here but politely, all that. He just had this eerie smile on his face and was being very suspiciously nice. And you should never, ever trust a smiling, nice Kaizo.

“Oh, you’re enjoying school are you? :) Having lots of fun without me? :) Made lots of friends? :) Got yourself a suitor? :) Got some replacement siblings? :) Is that right, dear brother? :)”

I had already begun to die on the inside because I realized – okay yes, he did see that dumb message I impulsively sent the other day, and he is here for REVENGE. There’s no way he isn’t. So I hurriedly told him to forget about that, that Adu Du had totally hacked my phone and sent it, nothing to see here or worry about. Obviously he knew I was lying.

And then he spotted this diary.

He just smiled even more creepily like “Ooooh what’s this huh? >:)” and snatched it before I could even reply.

I can’t tell you how much fear and pain it caused me to see my own brother holding my diary, okay?! I have poured out so many horrible, terrible thoughts in this thing. This is the singular most cursed piece of literature in existence. And a fair amount of it is made up of me just complaining about him.

He must have seen the fear on my face, and it probably gave him life, because he is a fucking sadist. The next thing I knew he had left the room with it and barricaded the door shut.

I have often wished the windows in this room were big enough to leap out of, or that I had a balcony like some of the students get. Today, I REALLY COULD HAVE USED a window I could actually escape the room with. But no! All I have is this stupid tiny window!! Stupid useless thing that I can barely even see through, it’s so small!!!

So I grabbed my sword and tried hacking my way through the door instead, because holy moly, I was not just going to sit trapped in here while my insane evil brother runs rampant with my own diary doing who knows what. But I’ve been lazy, I haven’t sharpened my sword for ages, and the stupid thing was too blunt to do anything! And then I hit it so hard on the door it LITERALLY SNAPPED! MY SWORD!!! FUCKING SNAPPED!!!!!

It took me embarrassingly long to remember that I have a phone, and that phones can be used to communicate with people across distance, so I sent emergency messages out to all my friends asking them to please come and unblock the door, or at least go find Kaizo and get my diary back before he can do any damage.

It was far, FAR too late though…

There’s a loudspeaker system at the school – usually it’s only used by the head of Benevolence to talk to everyone about honour and justice and stuff. As soon as I suddenly heard Kaizo’s voice ringing out through it, I knew that was it. My life… over.

You can guess what happened, can’t you? Yeah. He read out my fucking diary over the loudspeaker.

AND THE ENTIRE SCHOOL HEARD IT.

It wasn’t enough that he simply read the thing. No, first he prefaced it with telling everyone how ungrateful I am, saying plenty of stuff I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT, like “When our parents died I saved my dear little brother Fang, I saved his life, and he repays me with insolence and disobedience on a daily basis!”

WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT??? I DON’T REMEMBER, AND IT’S NOT LIKE KAIZO EVER TELLS ME ANYTHING, IS IT???!!!

And then when he was reading out the actual diary, he put on this stupid sing-song voice and only read out the really embarrassing parts, the bits that make me sound like a whiny brat or a thirsty slut. Oh, and he commented on it too!! Literally CALLING me a whiny brat and a thirsty slut!! And laughing!! I just so badly wanted to die!!!

I think I genuinely blacked out because I don’t even remember what happened. I just remember sobbing curled up in my room and then being finally rescued by the twins, whose swords are evidently sharper than mine.

The damage had already been done so I just wanted to stay there and sulk. But they pulled me to my feet like “COME ON YOU DUMB BITCH, WE’RE GETTING YOUR DIARY BACK” and dragged me along with them.

I… yeah, I must have been so out of it. I vaguely remember passing through the corridors and seeing other students staring, but the twins were glaring at them all so much that no one dared laugh. Oh, thank fuck for that, I don’t know what I would have done otherwise…

The only thing I remember at least semi-clearly is that by the time we got to the loudspeaker room, all my friends were already there, apparently yelling at Kaizo and demanding he give back the diary.

Yeah listen. I would die for them. They really would willingly stand up to my brother, just because they care about me that much??

“Fang is our friend, how dare you humiliate him like this?” “You are a terrible brother and you should be ashamed of yourself!” “Even Fang wasn’t this bad back when he hated us!” “Give back that diary right now!”

And Kaizo was just rolling his eyes, being all like “You infants are so pathetic and annoying and stop bugging me because I have a laser sword and I’m not afraid to use it on foetuses” because threatening to kill children is cool according to him.

Then he saw me, and he tossed the diary back at me, saying he has no use for it anymore. And that I should never even THINK about being ungrateful again.

I don’t know, diary. All my friends were there, the twins were there, I had been through too much…

I snapped.

(But like, lightly. Kaizo is still terrifying.)

I told him he’s the worst brother ever and I’m disowning him, and the twins are my new siblings and my friends are my new family.

And then I walked out of there.

I’m not even in my room, I don’t dare go back. I don’t want to have to talk to anyone or look at anyone right now. I’m up on the roof and maybe I’ll just stay here forever.

Kaizo is going to kill me if he finds me and you know what? He may as well just do it. What do I have to live for now? Everyone in the entire fucking school heard all my innermost thoughts. They’ll never let this go. I’m practically already a dead man walking.

I’ve… I’ve never stood up to Kaizo like that before. I mean, sometimes I’m a bit argumentative and bratty, but it never lasts long. I just do what he says, because he is my older brother and captain, and I’m supposed to listen to him.

Being here at school away from him for so long, it’s really lessened his influence. He doesn’t seem like such an authority figure to me anymore. Almost like he’s not even real most of the time. Just some distant bad memory.

Maybe that’s why I actually managed to sort of lowkey politely and quietly snap at him today?

Or maybe because I knew that no matter what, the twins and my friends would back me up, and together I really do think they’re stronger than Kaizo…

Hey, that’s a thought. They ARE stronger than Kaizo.

I mean, we beat Ejo Jo together. And the twins are fully-fledged knights, experts at all kinds of combat.

Huh… you know what? Maybe, just maybe, I don’t need to find some way to die as soon and as painfully as alienly possible. They are my friends, after all. They’re there for me, right? They were right there standing up for me, even against my own brother. Yeah, they mock me all the time, but never in a way that truly hurts. When it matters, they’ll take my side every time.

I still feel dead. But that does give me a little hope.

I think… I think I can hold on. School is definitely going to be hell, and I am NOT looking forward to the dreadful walk of shame back to my room where everyone in the corridors will be staring and laughing at me again. But I can survive it.

Wow, that feels weird to say. I’m not usually, uh, positive in here. But then look how that turned out for me? Screw it, I WANT to feel better. And I’m going to. I can’t let Kaizo keep me down. I’ve been doing that for too long already. I think I’m ready to go.

-

[56]

Dear diary,

Everything is painful and hellish. I wore a hooded cloak to classes today to avoid anyone looking at me, but it turns out that dressing like a sith lord just draws attention to yourself?? So people were looking at me, then realizing that it was me, and then quickly trying to pretend they weren’t looking, and… oh god, I have never experienced this level of abject despair and humiliation.

But the twins have been going out of their way to escort me between classes while glaring at everyone in the vicinity. They haven’t really talked about the… thing. Talking about stuff isn’t their cup of tea, is it? But I’m glad for that. I don’t like talking about things much either and I already know I’ve got their support. It’s better like this.

On the other hand, my friends are complete chatterboxes and sent me messages upon messages telling me that Kaizo had stormed off in a huff and left in his spaceship, that Yaya is trying to make a rule that says it’s illegal to talk about my diary, that Tok Aba will give me as many free red carrot donuts as I want…

When I saw them in person I just said that I didn’t really want to talk about it, and they didn’t press. But… ugh, I kind of do want to talk about it! What do they all think of the stuff I wrote? The stuff I wrote about THEM? They’ve all heard it now. My emo thirsty whining, or whatever it was.

I’d ask them, but wow, that would be one hell of an awkward conversation.

No idea what to do about Kaizo. He hasn’t come back, and he hasn’t sent any messages or done anything else. I, um… I didn’t really mean I’d disown him literally, does he know that?

-

[57]

Dear diary,

The twins are… up to something. I don’t know what, but I can tell. They’re whispering to themselves and then when I come near they suddenly shut up and act all suspiciously extra casual. (They are absolutely crap at acting, by the way.) Also, they’re on their phones way more often these days. What are they doing? Planning a surprise birthday party for me or something? Hah, it’s not even close to my birthday yet! And this planet has a different year length anyway!

I’m still wearing the hooded cloak out and about. Not because it stops people staring at me, but it just stops me from seeing any of my surroundings at all, which is good because I don’t want to see anything.

People have been sending red carrot donuts directly to my room as a gift. Who’s doing this? Is it my friends? I asked them but they said it’s not them. Apparently… there actually are other students out there who feel sorry for me.

Not even in like a pity way. In an actual “I think you’re cool and I’m sorry that shitty thing happened to you” way.

Does that mean I’m getting… POPULAR?

-

[58]

Dear diary,

Okay, okay, I’m an idiot, I cracked. I asked Boboiboy what he thought of the stuff I wrote in my diary, all the stuff he heard when Kaizo destroyed my life by reading it out loud the other day. Yeah, not all of it was read out, but trust me – PLENTY of stuff about Boboiboy was in there. A lot of the embarrassing “oh I hate him so much and am totally NOT in love with him!!!” from the beginning, a fair amount of the “I am pining oh god how do I get this idiot cute boy to like me” from the middle, and way too much of the “in-depth description of how much I want to kiss him” from nearer the end.

I was sure it must have been so embarrassing for my poor prince to hear all that stuff said about him, right? But turns out he’s an idiot – he just started gushing about how sweet it is that I feel so strongly about him, it’s an honour that I write about him so much, things like that.

For fuck’s sake, why is he so cute?! Maybe he was just saying all that to make me feel better, I don’t know. Or maybe he does just love the fact that I write about him way more than I should.

And then he gave me a box of donuts, except I couldn’t even eat them because he started clinging onto me so tight that there was no way I was telling him to get lost just for the sake of donuts.

Stupid giggly idiot… “Does this make you feel better? Are you feeling better now? Should I hug you more?” Oh he knows perfectly well it kills me, he does it on purpose.

But… yeah. I do feel better.

-

[59]

Dear diary,

(Nearly running out of pages in here…)

Finally ditched the sith lord cloak today. It was kind of getting on my nerves, mostly because I’m not used to wearing sleeves and I hate it. Plus, the twins are still acting suspicious and I want to be able to have my full range of vision to be able to see them and try and figure out what the hell they’re up to. Seriously, what are they planning?? Why won’t they tell me??? It better be something nice!!

I still haven’t heard from Kaizo. Is this a good thing? I can’t help being nervous though, like what if this is the “calm before the storm”? What if he’s biding his time and he’ll come back and do something worse? But then again, what could possibly be worse than having my diary read out to the whole school?

Having it be read out to the whole universe, maybe…

-

[60]

Dear diary,

I actually bothered to read through the school rules for myself today. (I never actually did it before, I have no idea what I’m allowed or not allowed to do. I’ve always got Yaya there to threaten me if I accidentally break one anyway.)

So yeah, it does indeed unambiguously say no kissing on the lips allowed, regardless of gender. Can’t really figure out a way around that. Obviously it also says no fucking allowed, but I’d rather go outside and literally eat grass off the ground like a goat than do that.

(Speaking of which, Adu Du has a pet goat now. I have no idea why. Guess it’s better than him trying to kill people, so whatever.)

My poor prince… they all call ME the thirsty one, but whenever I hug him and kiss his dumb little nose or cheeks or neck or whatever (and I’m NOT a vampire, I swear!!) he always just turns into a giggling whimpering mess and says he wishes it was the holidays right now. He’s equally as thirsty, okay??

-

[61]

Dear diary,

Oh god oh fuck I am in a state of complete terror right now – KAIZO HAS SENT ME A MESSAGE.

I haven’t even dared read it yet.

What will it be? An order for my execution? Knowing him it won’t even be something chill like decapitation, it’ll be like… disembowelment or something.

I’ve put the sith lord cloak back on and I’m just sitting here shaking. I know I should read this message but… GAHHHH I JUST CAN’T. I shouldn’t be scared of Kaizo, I know!! He’s my brother!! What kind of person is scared of their own brother?!

But that’s Kaizo’s fault, isn’t it? If he didn’t want me to be scared of him then he should have been a better brother…

I think I’ll just eat donuts and cry and wait for the twins to come back from whatever they’re doing. If I’m going to open this message, I at least want them to be around to witness my inevitable final breath.

-

[62]

Dear diary,

Phew, never mind. I’m pretty sure someone’s just hacked into Kaizo’s phone and sent this, because there’s no way the real, actual Kaizo would.

_Fang, despite how ungrateful you’ve been, humiliating you in such a way was maybe going a bit too far. Accept my apology or else I’ll do it again._

Hah, Kaizo doesn’t APOLOGIZE! I’m pretty sure he’s never done that in his life. This must be someone else, or some kind of mistake. I’m so relieved it’s not the actual Kaizo!

I just replied saying that whoever this is who’s hacked his phone, come to the school itself and grovel at my feet, and then we’ll see if I accept this “apology” or not. Pfffffff, as if Kaizo would say sorry for something… or repent any of his actions… or realize that his actions have consequences…

-

[63]

Dear diary,

OH GOOD GRIEF. I’M AN IDIOT. IT WAS THE REAL KAIZO.

I’m still in complete, utter shock. In fact, I think right now I’m probably still just dreaming. Maybe I’ll ask the twins to stab me to wake me up. That might be a good idea.

...Nope, okay, this isn’t a dream. Wow. WOW.

So um, yeah. He did show up at school after all. Marched into my room with no warning again and almost set me off crying immediately, though thankfully the twins were there too this time.

No, he didn’t grovel at my feet! But he didn’t yell at me, or steal my diary again, or anything like that.

He did look pretty annoyed, but the things he was saying were… very un-Kaizo-like.

“When you were little I used to buy you ice-cream and you were such a good little brother… but after our parents died I tried not to get too close to you in case I lost you too… and then I started wondering why you had become so bratty and disobedient and depressed… and I asked your roommates for assistance…”

I mean, that explains why the twins were being so weirdly suspicious and on their phones all the time, I guess. I still can’t believe they were out here giving Kaizo “how to be a decent brother” advice. Like, I don’t think I’ll ever be over this.

And then Kaizo put on three pairs of gloves and very reluctantly patted my shoulder, while trying very hard not to wince (and failing).

“Maybe the reason you’re being so disobedient is BECAUSE I’ve been too harsh. And I betrayed your trust. Your roommates tell me that they betrayed your trust too, but somehow managed to win it back… How? How do I win back your loyalty?”

The twins were in the corner looking like they were attempting not to laugh at all of this, so I just said something about apologizing properly, and Kaizo dug his nails into my shoulder and gave me a very cold glare. But then he did mumble out something that sounded vaguely like “sorry”.

Listen… I do have very, very distant memories of Kaizo not being a jerk. But that was an extremely long time ago. And I don’t ever, EVER remember him apologizing for anything.

I was still very much in shock so I just sort of shrugged, and Kaizo scowled and walked off again.

I’m not over it… he freaking apologized to me.

For real.

I still can’t fucking believe this. Does he actually care about me? Does my cruel, sadistic brother ACTUALLY want my forgiveness? Does he care that he hurt my feelings?

I want to believe he does, and that he’s not just doing this so it’ll reflect better on him. I want to think that he does still love me, somewhere very deep inside that icy heart of his.

I have no idea if I feel good enough to forgive him yet. It still hurts, what he did. And it’s hard to believe he’ll change for good.

But oh, I so WANT to believe… it’s so tiring, despising him…

I think I’ll see how it goes. This is a start, at least. Maybe a good start to making amends. If he keeps this up, then it’ll be proof that he truly does want to change.

I just… don’t know.

-

[64]

Dear diary,

I’m writing really tiny because this is the last page in here and I still need to go get a new diary so I can keep writing. It’s kind of cathartic, being able to put my thoughts in here. But even so I haven’t been as open as I could have been – next time I’m making sure the diary has a padlock, and then I’ll feel free to write to my heart’s content!

Hmm… what should I do with this old diary once I’ve finished with it? Part of me is saying “burn it with Adu Du’s flamethrower” but I also just… don’t want to get rid of it. It’s like a friend! That being said, I’m never reading it again. It’s WAY too embarrassing. I’d rather give myself papercuts in the eye.

I’ll try and make my next diary less embarrassing, I swear. But how do I even do that? It doesn’t feel embarrassing at the time I’m writing it, the embarrassment just somehow comes later! Ohhh, I don’t know…

At least this time I have actual friends now. I’m not just some whiny emo loner. I’m a COOL emo NOT-loner, so there!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise!! New chapter, because I wanted to write Volume 2 of whatever this is. Now featuring an absurd amount of My Immortal references because honestly I just took the idea and ran with it. It's more fun that way. There's likely to be a Volume 3 at some point as well, but if there isn't, then just pretend Fang choked on a red carrot donut and died or something.

[1]

Dear diary,

I got a new diary. Well actually it’s just a spare notebook that I found lying around. I think it’s Shielda’s, but she’s not using it, so why shouldn’t I have it? I painted the cover black so that she doesn’t notice I took it. And this time I wrote "CHEMISTRY TEXTBOOK" on the front in giant letters so that no one realizes it's my diary, and that way they won't read it!

Anyway, first things first: why are all my friends such losers? They keep telling me I should switch houses to Benevolence. What do they think I am, some kind of goody-two-shoes? Benevolence is the lamest house! Everyone knows that! It's full to the brim with preps! I'd rather stay Neutral, thanks.

Plus… I'd have to move out of my current room…

I mean, the twins are annoying, sure. But they do help me with my homework, and I would miss that help a lot if I left. I'd also just miss their company. Because they're so much fun to mock, obviously! They spend all their time mocking me, so it's only fair if I mock them back. That's how it works.

It's not like the twins are my main reason for not wanting to leave Neutrality, okay? The main reason is actually because I want to finish my knight training. Kaizo is a fully-fledged knight, and so are the twins. I still have years of training to go – I can't give up now.

Speaking of Kaizo, he's still trying to win back my loyalty, or whatever. He sent me a pack of tissues in the post.

_Dear Fang – these are for you, since I know you cry a lot. Stay hydrated. Very mild regards, Kaizo._

Yeah, I've been using them for eating donuts actually. Does he seriously think I'm just some crybaby?! I don't want his stupid tissues! I want him to actually be nice!!

-

[2]

Dear diary,

Forget what I said about the twins yesterday, they're being so annoying now that I'm tempted to just move to Malevolence so that I'm legally allowed to plot their murder.

Apparently they have a new training instructor and this guy is ridiculously tough and won't give them a break. They won't stop whining about it! It's so annoying!

"Oh but Fang, we always have to deal with YOUR annoying bratty whining!" Hah, I actually complain about sensible things that deserve to be complained about! Suck it up.

Anyway, I've been a lot less moody lately. (Yeah, I admit it, I sometimes have been kind of moody in the past.) I have actual friends now, remember? Sai and Shielda should be grateful that I'm much happier now.

-

[3]

Dear diary,

Never mind, I am going to throw my friends into a piranha pit. I fell asleep in the library earlier, and when I woke up, someone had doodled all over my face! I grabbed the nearest Benevolent and threatened them into telling me who did this, and apparently it was Gopal.

GOPAL. Ughhhh. That guy. He's always making fun of me. I mean, he stole my old diary, remember? I'm not letting him steal this one too!

Oh, and that's not the worst part. No, the worst part is that apparently Boboiboy just watched and laughed! Didn't even wake me up to warn me or anything!!

Is it… is it petty of me to temporarily dump him?

Gahhh, no, I can't… I'd miss his company too much. Not that I would ever tell him that!

ANYWAY, I can't stand humiliation, so I ran back to my room and started ripping up all the cardboard boxes that I get my donuts in. When Shielda got back I tried to vent at her about it, but she interrupted me and started venting at ME!

"Oh that Admiral Tarung, he's so strict and never gives us a break, all my limbs are aching, I have so much work to do, hurr durr…" SHUT UP!!! Shut!! Up!!!! You guys are actual knights, you should be able to deal with a little bit of stress! What about ME, huh? A growing child? Betrayed by my own friends?

Why does no one ever understand? Seriously, sometimes I think I should just isolate myself forever. Find a cave on some uninhabited planet somewhere and become a hermit. As long as I had wifi and donuts, I'd be good.

Ohhh, but I'd miss people… but I also hate people… why is it so complicated???

-

[4]

Dear diary,

_Dear Fang – here is some charcoal. I thought I should get you another present and it was the cheapest thing I could find at the shop. Apparently it's good for digestion so maybe you'll stop saying shit all the time. Ambivalent wishes, Kaizo._

So yeah. What, exactly, is wrong with my brother? Why is he like this? Am I supposed to be feeling sorry for him or something? Poor cruel and torturous sadist trying so hard to be forgiven by his terrible, no-good, innocent little brother who never did anything wrong?

I… sort of appreciate the sentiment. He's not used to being nice to me, after all, and a little bit of effort is better than none at all. But trying to buy my loyalty back with cheap and rubbish gifts – what the fuck, Kaizo?

Now, Sai and Shielda are exactly what cruel siblings SHOULD be like. Yes, they're cruel, and they're always being mean to me. But the point is, they're there for me too! There has to be a balance.

Kaizo has none of the nice. He's just all cruel.

Huh… is it any wonder the twins say I turned out a bit messed up? My parents died earlier than I can remember, and I had to be raised by CAPTAIN KAIZO of all people…

-

[5]

Dear diary,

I'M GOING TO KILL SAI. I'M GOING TO MURDER HIM. STRANGLE HIM. GET A PET ELEPHANT AND TRAMPLE HIM TO DEATH.

HE FUCKING ATE ONE OF MY DONUTS.

FUCK HIM. HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO LIVE.

-

[6]

Dear diary,

Okay, I have… SOMEWHAT calmed down from my earlier rage.

I came back to my room earlier than anticipated, since I had left my headphones in there and I can't live without a constant pop punk soundtrack to my life, and I opened the door to see Sai SCARFING DOWN A RED CARROT DONUT.

LIVID doesn't even come close to describing my reaction.

Of course, he started chucking out excuses, like how he's so exhausted from today's training that he needed a snack to stop himself passing out, any snack at all, and the only snack left in the room was donuts, all that rubbish – I was having none of it. I slapped the donut out of his hand and tried to throttle him.

Obviously that didn't work out very well, since he's a trained knight and all, so I just ended up lying on the ground with a nasty bruise on my face while that VILE, TRAITOROUS VILLAIN, polished off the rest of my precious donut right in front of me and then left the room.

I tell you, diary, it was like having a piece of my soul ripped away from me.

No one eats my donuts without my permission.

NO ONE.

I'm not going to fucking speak to him ever again in my life. He's worse than Kaizo. He's worse than Adu Du. Heck, he's worse than Ejo Jo!

Now excuse me, I need to go buy a bunch of dolls and pretend they're Sai and then chop off all their heads with my sword. And the rest of their limbs too.

-

[7]

Dear diary,

Shielda just seems to think this whole thing is hilarious – she's volunteered to be "messenger" between us since she "doesn't have a stake in any of this nonsense". It's NOT nonsense! Sai knows how important those donuts are to me, and he still dared to eat one! My first message for him was "FUCKING GO TO HELL, YOU CHEAP DESKTOP PAINT PROGRAMME" of course. I wonder what his reply will be.

This bruise on my face still hurts too… not as much as the horrific haunting vision of my own roommate eating my donuts, but…

Earlier on I was being a bit, uh, melodramatic over it. (Old habits die hard, okay?) It turned out to be a good thing though, since Boboiboy told me to rest and started trying to take care of me, like dipping a cloth in warm water and putting it on my face, hehe…

I think he just wanted an excuse to be mushy, to be honest. The past few days I haven't really let him – I was still kind of annoyed about his lowkey betrayal. But it's nothing compared with #Donutgate, so at this point I'll let it slide.

-

[8]

Dear diary,

Sai’s reply is apparently “lmao dude chill” so naturally I’m going to carry on giving him the silent treatment and plotting his death. I got Shielda to help me actually. She’s been giving me ideas – she says I could bonk him on the head with his own saucepan hat thing until his skull splinters, or plug him into a socket so that he gets electrocuted and his own armour fries him alive. Of course, Sai is way too perceptive and strong for me to successfully pull any of these off, so for now it’s just a fun thing to daydream about…

Side note: I’m genuinely starting to think Shielda is some kind of sadist. Why can’t I ever have siblings who actually care about other people and aren’t ridiculously violent?

Also, I was lamenting over the bruise on my face, since it still hurts and I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE SAI ACTUALLY DID SUCH A THING, and Boboiboy tried to assure me that it “looks kinda hot”...

I mean, true. I can’t argue with that. I always look amazing. But honestly… he is such a weirdo? Always trying to look on the bright side and see the good in everything? Well I guess that’s what I get for having a prep boyfriend… He’s always wearing bright colours and smiling at everyone, by this point I’m used to it…

Okay fine! It’s cute! His dumb preppiness is cute! I’m not gonna ever tell him of course, but like, the way that he always wears that stupid orange cap, and listens to Disney music, and giggles all the time at whatever I say… he is so fucking cute, it’s so unfair. I’m constantly torn between “HOW DARE HE” and “I’m so glad he’s mine”.

Not to be sappy, but I wish they’d unpatch that one rule… You know, the… the kissing one? Ugh, I need to go dunk my head into a bucket of ice cubes.

-

[9]

Dear diary,

Kaizo sent me a whole roll of plain black fabric today.

_Dear Fang – since I know you like to sit in the dark and be antisocial, I’m sending you this. See? I’m being accepting of your interests! You can use it to make curtains to block out the sunlight. I couldn’t be bothered to buy you actual curtains, so just do it yourself. Give all my most sincere wishes to your poor teachers who have to look at your sorry ungrateful face all day long. Slightly less sincere wishes, Kaizo._

You know what I’ll do with this fabric? I’ll smother myself in it and suffocate and die. Then do you think Kaizo would ACTUALLY appreciate me, as opposed to this passive-aggressive bullshit? And I’m NOT antisocial! I have like, four friends or something! I say at least one sentence to them every few days!

Oh, never mind, I should just stop opening his stupid presents and stupid letters. But I just can’t help thinking – what if this time he’s actually changed for real? What if this one time he’s finally being a decent brother for once?

But he never is. He’s just the worst.

Well, he always used to ignore all my texts, so now I’ll ignore these letters of his. Serves him right!

-

[10]

Dear diary,

Shielda tells me that Sai wants to apologize to me. I… I will have to think about it. This isn’t a simple matter of reading my diary or whatever, this is a far, far more serious offence. It’ll take time for me to decide whether or not to forgive him yet. I still get this sudden surge of rage whenever I see him, and this horrible flashback of that cursed moment when he was actually eating my poor donuts like the shameless thief that he is…

On another note, there’s another interhouse tournament coming up soon. I have to be the one to take part in the Honourable Combat tournament! I won it for us last time, and this time considering everyone isn’t busy stanning Boboiboy anymore, maybe I’ll actually get to be popular when I win again!

Seriously, I’m still annoyed about how unfair it was last time. Boboiboy didn’t even DO anything! The only reason everyone kept going on and on about him is because he nearly died. So what? As if taking part in Honourable Combat isn’t already dangerous! I risk my life on a daily basis, being a knight! (Okay, the swords aren’t usually sharp enough to kill people, but like… I risk small injury, okay?)

Now that people don’t throw flower petals at his feet when he walks past, hopefully I’ll actually get some attention this time. Look – I love him and all, but if he dares steal my spotlight again I will actually stab him for real.

And if Adu Du tries to kill him again… well, I’ll keep my sword extra sharpened… NO ONE attacks my prince and gets away with it…

-

[11]

Dear diary,

I AM A COMPLETE IDIOT. I DID SOMETHING STUPID. SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY, REALLY STUPID. OH GOD.

Why am I like this. No, seriously, I know I have fucked up a lot in my life before, but this time it was just THE DUMBEST THING EVER. I need to perish. Like, right now. I hope I have a heart attack and just drop down dead on the spot.

N-no… I can’t give Sai the satisfaction of seeing his donut nemesis defeated…

FINE THEN. I AM NOT AFRAID TO KEEP ON LIVING, I’M NOT AFRAID TO WALK THIS WORLD ALONE –

Oh but I am! I’m such a humiliating, embarrassing disappointment!!!

No listen… I may as well explain before I lock myself in my room and just die of shame…

So Gopal was off having a detention, and whenever that happens (which is pretty frequently) then me and Boboiboy tend to hang out on his balcony, since it’s nice there and no one will bother us. (Quick note: how unfair is it that they get a balcony??? Why can’t I have one, huh? If this is just because Boboiboy’s a prince then I’m fucking suing this school.)

Now, reminder that he is an idiot. I say this with affection, obviously, but he is. And MAYBE this wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t been literally sitting on the balcony railing. Like, isn’t that such a stupid place to sit? So I don’t think I can 100% put the blame on myself. But still.

No, he didn’t fall off. It was worse.

So there he was, being a dummy by attempting to flirt and telling me to, uh, y’know, be a vampire, since there’s that no kissing rule and everything, and – well listen, he’s the one who asked me to, okay? And then he asked me if I’m an ACTUAL vampire, and if I can turn him into one too.

That idiot has been talking to Gopal too much recently, hasn’t he?!

I’m not a fucking vampire. I’m just emo! I just look like this because that’s how everyone from my home planet looks! Not in the dress style of course, there are preps there too obviously – but we’ve all got the red eyes and dark hair.

I’ll be honest, I… I kind of WISH I was a vampire… How cool would it be? My name is Fang, couldn’t I have real fangs too?

But anyway, I told him I’m not a vampire and that he needs to start using his brain cells a bit more often. He told me to shut up and at least pretend. So I uh… carried on… lowkey… biting him a bit… and turning him into a melty pile of mush… oh man there’s steam pouring out of my ears as I write this, ughhhh. (I swear to god he’s thirstier than me most of the time – why do I always get called the thirsty one, huh? Do people really see nothing beyond his whole “innocent ray of sunshine” personality?)

And then I suddenly heard the door open behind me and Gopal’s voice going “OH HEY FANG WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE” and I flipped the fuck out and SHOVED BOBOIBOY OFF THE BALCONY.

Yeah.

I literally just pushed my own boyfriend off a balcony.

Because I am a complete idiot and I panicked.

Ahem. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???

Gopal naturally thought it was hilarious and tried to high five me. And poor Boboiboy, once he stood up and brushed himself off, well…

Um… yeah. Luckily he’s okay? But even from up on the balcony I could hear his angry yelling like “Oh how could you push me off the balcony, you’re so rude and thoughtless, why don’t you think before you act, what’s wrong with you…”

Listen, once I had finished freaking out I tried to go apologize, okay? I really TRIED! I ran down the stairs and went to find him, but he just pushed me away and said he doesn’t want to talk to me right now!

What… have I DONE…

I need to just. Get an axe. Chop myself in half. At least chop my arms off. Maybe that way I won’t go YEETING MY BOYFRIEND OFF A BALCONY, HUH???

Like sheesh, even Adu Du didn’t try that as an assassination method back when he was trying to kill him…

Oh fuck, is throwing a prince off a balcony considered treason? Am I gonna be executed? I know I probably deserve to be, but god that’s an unpleasant way to go.

Now I’m in my room dying of shame and embarrassment, and Shielda doesn’t even have the decency to be awake so I can vent at her! She’s fast asleep. Would it be cruel of me to wake her up? Yeah, probably. She’s not the one who’s been eating my donuts, so she doesn’t warrant getting her sleep interrupted.

Ohhhh, I’m slamming my head on the desk repeatedly. I hope Boboiboy forgives me soon. I really didn’t mean it! I was just being an impulsive stupid idiot! It’s not like in the old days when I used to be a jerk to him on purpose! I’m NICE now! (Well… mostly? I’m nice to him, anyway!)

In the meantime I guess I’ll just turn my music up loud enough until I can forget about my own existence for a while. I just need to like… not exist. Not feel anything. A… a NAP! That’s what I need! I need to take a long nap. Hmm… 89 hours or so should do it.

-

[12]

Dear diary,

He still won’t talk to me! He’s really still mad about the balcony thing! I mean, I guess I would be mad at him if it was the other way round, so I can’t even be mad about him being mad.

However, I CAN be mad at Kaizo.

_Dear Fang – I have come to the conclusion that you are clinically insane and you need a therapist. Do they have any at that school of yours? Anyway, I’m sending you some breath mints this time, so that your boyfriend won’t want to commit self-deletus from the overwhelming stench of carrot donuts whenever he’s snogging you. He’s better than you, did you know that? Yours insincerely, Kaizo._

Yeah, thanks Kaizo, I do know that. I know he’s better than me, okay? He’s not the one who’s been shoving people off balconies!

Actually the two halves of my brain are fighting right now. Of course I’m better than him! He’s a dumb idiot, AND he’s a prep. And a Benevolent. And a prince too, oh god. So much to unpack there.

But… he’s also just so kind, and fun, and cute, and I love him a lot and he won’t let me tell him that because he refuses to speak to me because I shoved him off a fucking balcony…

Does he hate me right now? This’ll pass, right? He’s been mad at me before, obviously, and it never lasted very long. He’s way too sweet to hold a grudge.

And it’s not like I’m not used to people being mad at me. Kaizo is perpetually mad at me. Sai is currently mad at me, though that’s 100% on him. Shielda is mad in general these days, because of her strict knight training or whatever – I feel like she’d set me on fire with her eyes if I tried talking to her too much, so I’m not gonna push it. And Boboiboy’s friends are sort of mad at me on his behalf.

Yeah, I’m not kidding. Gopal has done a 180 and now keeps yelling at me that I “tried to murder” his best friend. Yaya and Ying say they’re gonna put in a rule patch that forbids throwing people off balconies. (I can’t imagine why that wasn’t already in the rules, though…) No one else cares.

Huh… does anyone actually care about me right now? I certainly don’t! Hahaha. Ahahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha I need to go cry into my pillow for a while :’)

-

[13]

Dear diary,

Boboiboy is still mad at me! I even went and got my guitar to try and… oh I don’t know, serenade him into talking to me again? But he just put on a pair of headphones and said “I’M GOING TO LISTEN TO POP MUSIC NOW :)” and then walked off!

Oh come on, if he’s trying to annoy me he’s not even doing it properly – I have nothing against pop music. It’s not like Anxiety! at the Nightclub have been making particularly emo music lately anyway, and I still listen to it. And I’m already used to him being a prep!

I miss him a lot, I really hope he stops sulking soon… Gahhh I should never have chucked him off that balcony…

What am I even supposed to do to get him back? I tried apologizing and it didn’t work, even the old serenade trick didn’t work… Should I ask his friends for help? I don’t want to, they’ll just laugh at me like they always do. But this is making me miserable! More than usual, I mean! Maybe I’ll have to swallow my pride and actually get them to give me some advice. I’m like 90% sure it’ll be useless, though. Those guys are all crazy.

Seriously, I wish I wasn’t so distracted right now – the interhouse tournament is coming up and I’ve been properly voted to represent Neutrality in the Honourable Combat. Usually that would be such an honour! Because guess what? It means I’m actually kind of popular! Or at least, the other kids all think I’m our best bet to win! Makes sense, since I won it for us last time.

But how can I concentrate when my prince is so annoyed at me that he’s sulking as much as I usually do? And I’m just reduced to begging for his forgiveness, oh this is so humiliating and depressing… it cancels out the good feelings that mild popularity is bringing me...

I need to go get some more red carrot donuts. They’ll make me feel a bit better.

-

[14]

Dear diary,

I’m back – and I can see Sai peering over at me and the donuts from the other side of the room, but I refuse to acknowledge it. If he wants donuts he can go and buy them himself and not fucking steal mine again.

There’s this new shop in the square where Tok Aba’s café is, it seems to be run by one of the same kind of aliens that Adu Du is. Maybe I’ll check it out properly later.

For now though, I need to write about something else, something that’s not to do with me for once. (See? I’m not self-centred, as much as everyone tries to tell me I am.)

Shielda is constantly exhausted. She hardly even talks to me anymore, and I’m thinking I should probably stop pestering her to help me with my knight training so much. I mean, she still does it! But I get the feeling she doesn’t really want to, and is only doing it because she feels like she has to. Because she’s my self-proclaimed big sister these days, right?

But her own knight training has been taking such a toll on her and I’m worried I’ve just been making it worse with all my constant nagging and whining…

Sai doesn’t seem to be having the same problems, and honestly it’s probably because I’ve been leaving him alone. Well he does seem kind of miserable these days – but at least he’s not quite as tired all the time.

Oh wait… is he miserable because he misses me?

Well – well he should have thought about that before he ate my donut, so there!

I mean… I kind of miss him too. Yeah, I know, I should accept his apology and start treating him like normal again. But I have other things to be dealing with in my life right now! At least this way he’ll suffer enough that he’ll never do it again. I’m not like, being petty or anything, I swear. (Uhh… okay maybe a tiny bit.)

Plus, I’m already used to being annoyed at older brother-type figures, so it’s not a big deal I guess ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

-

[15]

Dear diary,

Never mind, I was right, all of Boboiboy’s friends are crazy and I should not have asked them. Would you believe how rubbish their so-called “advice” is?

Yaya: “You should find a way to show off your intelligence – since you’re emo and introspective, how about you write him a sonnet as an apology? That’ll work! I can proofread it for you!”

Ying: “You should send him memes! Then he’ll start laughing and forget how annoyed he is! Like look at this one I prepared earlier, it’s you up on the balcony just after pushing him off and you’re saying IT’S OVER BOBOIBOY, I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND NOW–”

Gopal: “Oh it’s easy. Just yeet yourself off a balcony! Then you’ll be even and he won’t have any reason to be mad at you.”

I… yeah. Maybe I really should yeet myself off a balcony, to be honest, just to get away from all the madness in my life. Stupid dummies…

I spotted a bouquet at that new shop in the square earlier – should I buy it and try giving it to Boboiboy? I don’t know if it’ll work, but maybe if he sees that I’ve spent actual money on him, he’ll realize I’m serious about this and that he can stop sulking like some petty, annoying, emo–

Oh – oh wait a second–

He’s just doing this to be like ME, isn’t he??? I’M the one who’s usually being petty and aloof! Either this is payback, or he’s accidentally adapting some of my personality from having spent so much time with me, or maybe both…

Okay, fine, I can see how annoying and unfair it is now. I guess I should make a proper effort to stop being like that all the time. Or at least, stop being like that to him, so that he won’t do it back to me.

He does have better reason than me, though. In the past I’ve been moody to him just because he was more popular than me and I didn’t want to, um, you know, admit to myself that I liked him. But he’s being moody because I pushed him off a balcony – he could have died! Technically speaking, he has every right to be this moody, no matter how annoying it is!

Ohhhhh, I just love him so much, I want him back! Can I ever manage to express to him just how much I need him? I hate writing all this and thinking all this because it’s so sappy and hopeless and stupid but it’s TRUE!! He’s like… the sunlight in my dreary, miserable, dark and depressing life. He actually warms up my cold, dead heart. As much as I can’t stand being poetic about it, he just… makes me… so!! Soft!!!!

I’m going to go punch some pillows and consider moving to the other side of the galaxy. I need distractions, I can’t get my mind off him right now and it’s killing me!

-

[16]

Dear diary,

Well today was an eventful day. So much to write about, and luckily, not all of it bad. That’s a nice change, huh? It’s nice to not be morbid and depressing for once.

First of all, I… okay, fine, I admit it! I tried out that stupid advice. I wrote a dumb sonnet.

_My prince, I get that you’re so mad at me  
And won’t forgive me for the thing I’ve done  
Because I threw you off the balcony  
I know that can’t exactly have been fun  
Yes, you have every right to be upset  
What kind of boyfriend gives their prince a shove?  
I’m sorry, really, I am in your debt  
Just how can I convince you of my love?  
I miss you, you’re my everything to me!  
This sonnet thing is really hard to write  
I’ll put in effort, though, so you can see  
Just how it badly hurts me when we fight!  
Oh please, won’t you just talk to me again?  
I truly love and miss my dear boyfriend._

I gave it to him, and I sent him the meme that Ying suggested, and he didn’t even look! So I got his attention by… well you see, he was sitting at the café, so I went and broke into the nearest student’s room up on the third floor (don’t worry it was just some stupid Benevolent kid) and leapt off the balcony.

Listen… that hurt. It hurt a lot. I didn’t break anything, but just… OUCH. I can definitely see why he was mad at me. And at least I was braced for the impact – whereas he just got suddenly shoved off the balcony with no prior warning, poor thing! Not to mention the fact that my longcoat sort of slightly acted as a parachute, at least enough to slow me down a little. He didn’t have anything of the sort.

But yeah, that got his attention. He just stood up and scoffed, “So overdramatic!” and then left again!

Obviously I was distraught. I mean, I had just humiliated myself in front of everyone – a whole like, three people! – by hurling myself off a fucking balcony, all to get some idiot boy to notice me, and he doesn’t even care??? So I stormed over towards the Malevolence chambers to find Adu Du and get him to use his flamethrower on me so that I can have the painful tragic death I so badly crave.

But then I got a message on my phone. Naturally I was suspicious, since no one ever messages me. It turned out to be Gopal, telling me that apparently the advice had actually WORKED, since Boboiboy had read the sonnet when back in his chamber and wouldn’t stop swooning over it, since as popular as he is, no one had ever written him a sonnet before.

That gave me the hope I needed! So instead of going and dying a horrible flamethrower death, I went off to that new shop to buy the bouquet.

But that stupid alien – Bago Go or whatever his name was – said it cost 90 million and 90 cents!!! Can you believe it?? For a few flowers??? What a rip-off!

I distracted him, stole the bouquet, and then was on my way to Boboiboy’s chamber when I got cornered by Yaya, who confiscated the bouquet and promptly gave me a detention for stealing it.

Just… how did she know? How does she always know? I swear to god, she’s psychic or something. You can’t even breathe wrong or she’ll just KNOW. Friggin’ creep.

And I tried to tell her she’s not allowed to give Neutrals detention, but she informed me that she’d “had a little chat” with the Neutrality student rep, who “willingly agreed through no coercion or intimidation whatsoever” that Yaya can give Neutrals detention.

Yeah. For fuck’s sake.

So there I was, no bouquet, stranded in the kitchens to try and make some stupid meal with only Yaya Bad-At-Cooking Yah to help me out. Thank god it wasn’t cookies, I might have just crawled into the oven and roasted myself if that was the case. No, it was hell, but it was tolerable hell.

I managed to make some kind of okayish soup thing with the ingredients that were around. Yaya said she’d go get someone to test it out while she “deals with” the confiscated bouquet (oh gimme a break, I know perfectly well she just went and gave it to Ying, I’m not that oblivious). Anyway, guess who ended up being the taste testers? Boboiboy and Gopal, obviously!

I shouldn’t have even been surprised to be honest. It’s predictable that my life is contrived and ridiculous like that. Heck, Yaya probably did it on purpose.

So yeah… I stood there awkwardly while Boboiboy tried to pretend to still be mad at me. And then he tried the soup, and he stopped pretending – he ran over to hug me, telling me he can’t be mad at me anymore, it’s so cute that I wrote the sonnet for him and made soup for him and even willingly jumped off a balcony for him, he’ll stop being sulky as long as I promise to never push him off a balcony again, stuff like that.

Heh. I have missed his gushing and swooning. So. Damn. MUCH.

I have also very much missed his hugs…

He was being swoony and lovestruck enough to make the mistake of kissing me, so two seconds later psychic Yaya zoomed in and gave him a detention on the spot because it’s against the rules and whatever. (Still worth it though… hehe. Now he gets to make me soup instead.)

Oh, and Gopal noticed none of this because he was too busy actually drinking the soup. Eating the soup?? Well… consuming the soup.

So that was my weird day. Leapt off a balcony and got a detention, but I also got my boyfriend to go back to normal, so overall I think this was a win!

And now I’m properly, truly ready for the interhouse tournament. Hah! Those idiot Benevolents and Malevolents don’t know what’s going to hit them. This time I’m finally going to be popular! I can’t wait!

-

[17]

Dear diary,

Can I not just ever have like… a normal day??? Why do ridiculous things always happen somehow? No, it’s not even the tournament yet, that’s happening later on and my day is ALREADY crazy.

First of all, Kaizo showed up at school again.

Yeah. Just like last time, he stormed into my room and gave me a fucking heart attack. Can’t he ever just be normal? Anyway, this time he seemed to be in a really bad mood, which is never good news.

“Fang what’s wrong with you? I sent you so many presents and yet you don’t appreciate any of them? Why are you being so ungrateful? I’m trying so hard here to be a caring and kind older brother and you repay me with complete radio silence??? Insolent child????”

My gut instinct when he’s yelling at me is to just apologize and hope he doesn’t fricking electrocute me or whatever, so I started mumbling an apology.

And then.

And THEN.

SAI STEPPED UP TO DEFEND ME.

Yeah. I’m not kidding. I’m still in shock, to be honest.

He told Kaizo that the best way to be a good sibling to me is not to bribe me with lame presents and passive-aggressive stealth-insult letters, but to actually talk to me and spend time with me and try to appreciate me as I am rather than bossing me around.

(And he also said: “Top tip: do NOT eat his donuts, under any circumstances.”)

Kaizo whipped out a notebook and started writing all this down. And then he told me that he doesn’t have time to Hang Out With Me And Appreciate Me right now, so he’ll do it some other time when he’s not busy. He even glared at me and told me that he’s determined to make me believe that he’s the best brother ever, because he really does believe that he is.

Hah… as if that’ll ever happen…

And then he walked out.

I was so relieved that he was gone that I – okay this is going to sound really dumb. But I kind of just… glomped Sai. I’ve missed him, okay??? And I’ve been an ungrateful idiot – Sai is the kind of big brother I always wanted but never got! Kaizo could NEVER be as great as him! He helps me out with my homework, he laughs at my jokes (well, at my expense too, but I do it back to him so it’s okay), he only insults me some of the time and not all of the time, he pats me on the head whenever I’m crying…

So I told him I forgive him for eating my donuts. It was just the one time, after all. I’m sure he won’t do it again.

He then told me that Shielda had eaten one that day too, and that I just hadn’t caught her.

I… I don’t know quite how to explain the strange rage of emotions that ripped through me at hearing that.

It was something approximately like this: HSUGHIDUHYOEISJYKBJEJSRHFIRSHRTIYHDTJHBSVJXCCXXCTNRHRKHJRKTH

Shielda, a traitor, and much more of a traitor for the fact that she left her own brother to be cast aside and ignored, while reaping the benefits of still having my attention??????????

I think I passed out from the anger, because I woke up lying in bed with both twins there holding out a plate of donuts at me. Without even saying a word I grabbed the plate off them, grabbed this diary, and have now found a secluded spot to sit down and write without getting interrupted.

What am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to do? I can move on from Sai having eaten my donuts, but Shielda too??? When I trusted her??? And she took full advantage of that trust!!!

But if I forgave Sai, then surely I should forgive Shielda too…

Oh for fuck’s sake, I don’t have the emotional energy for this. I need to focus on the interhouse tournament. Otherwise I’ll lose, and then how will I get that popularity that I need so badly? I can’t think about the fact that my own… my own honourary sister… would do such a terrible, terrible thing…

-

[18]

Dear diary,

WHAT THE EVERLOVING, EVERLIVING, ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK.

I’M NOT THE MOST POPULAR KID IN SCHOOL.

NOPE. I’M THE FUCKING L E A S T POPULAR KID IN SCHOOL NOW.

I AM THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN THE HISTORY OF IDIOTS.

You know what? When I jumped off that balcony the other day, I wish I’d landed badly and snapped my neck and just fucking died. Huh, if I jump off the actual roof this time, would I die for real? But no… my longcoat would act as a parachute again… I mean, I guess I could take it off, but I’d lose my aesthetic that way and I can’t do that…

Ohhhh forget it. I can come up with ways to plot my own demise later on. For now, I have to document the sheer lunacy of today in here, so that once I’m dead, everyone will know exactly the cause of my death.

So there I was at the interhouse tournament, ready to take part in the Honourable Combat and make Neutrality proud. I’d already got plenty of threats from my fellow students – the usual “you’d better win or else WE WILL KILL YOU” – but hey, I knew I could easily beat the other houses. Benevolence had sent Ying again and Malevolence had sent some irrelevant rando. They’re no match for me.

BUT THEN. The head of Benevolence house made an announcement over the loudspeaker saying that I’m disqualified from participating!

You see, remember how I broke into someone’s room yesterday to leap off the balcony? Apparently the student whose room it was, some weirdo called Iwan, was meant to participate in today’s football tournament, but is too traumatized from the break-in and won’t be able to.

And since it’s my fault, I’m not allowed to participate either now.

I have never seen a crowd of people turn against me that quickly.

The Neutrals all hate me now. They HATE me. I was their best bet at winning the Honourable Combat, and I let them all down.

Like… listen. I have received my fair share of death glares over the course of my life. But having so many people SUDDENLY turn to face me, with fire in their eyes, wanting me dead? That is the most fucking terrifying thing in the universe. It’s going to be haunting my dreams for the next five years at least, I bet.

I didn’t even stay to watch the rest of the tournament, I have no idea what happened. I ran out of there as soon as I could.

Now I’ve put my sith lord cloak back on and am holed up on the roof with eight boxes of donuts to keep me company while I listen to the angriest, punkiest Fall Out Dude songs I have on my phone and cry.

How could I have been mad at Shielda over something as simple as a donut? Now look at me – I’ve let down EVERYONE! Just because I’m a stupid, thoughtless idiot!

What now? I can’t go back inside or I’ll get throttled by the first Neutral to see me, and I have to die a cooler way than that. I was thinking maybe I could go to the school’s freezer and lock myself inside until I freeze to death, but again, that would involve going in the vicinity of other students. No way.

Yeeting myself off the roof is of course not an option – parachute longcoat and all that. I wonder if there’s a way to get these gargoyles to crush me to death? Or maybe I should pour all the ink out of this pen and onto my donuts, then eat the donuts, and die from ink poisoning. Or maybe I could give myself a papercut with the edges of this book and then hope it gets infected and kills me.

I…

Oh?

Kaizo just sent me a text message???

_Dear Fang – you like My Alchemical Romance, right? Did you hear the news that they’re back for a reunion tour? Apparently they’ll be performing on Academy Planet too so I bought you tickets to see them. I know, I know, I’m not supposed to be buying you cheap presents and whatever, but I thought this might actually make you happy. And I bought tickets for me as well, so perhaps we can use the event as a sibling bonding opportunity. Just… don’t be too annoying. Lukewarm regards, Kaizo._

Oh?

OH????

Okay okay okay – DISREGARD EVERYTHING I WAS JUST WRITING. MY FAVOURITE BAND IS BACK, HOLY SHIT??? AND KAIZO GOT ME TICKETS TO SEE THEM???

Forgetting dying, if I die I’ll never get to see them live. Oh my god I have to live. I have to live for this!! This is amazing!!!

Ohhhhh fine, I guess I’ll go back inside then. I have to tell the twins the good news.

Uh… if they don’t hate me for the tournament thing, that is…

-

[19]

Dear diary,

Well on the bright side, the twins do not hate me at all. Apparently they have better things to be concerned about than “petty house rivalry” so they pretty much don’t care.

Shielda is making it really hard to forgive her for the donut thing, though. When I told her about the MAR concert she started laughing at me like “Oh so our dear Enoby is going to see MAR, huh? What, will Gerald Path suddenly whip off his face mask in the middle of it to reveal that he’s secretly the Dark Lord Ejo Jo who’ll then threaten to kill your prince? Will you get yelled at by the head of Neutrality for screwing around in the forest like ‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS???’ Are you going to start time travelling?”

God, I wanted to murder her. Still tempted to get my guitar and just repeatedly smash it over her head until she apologizes for making fun of me.

But hey… at least she doesn’t hate me.

Neither does Sai – he informed me that sadly Benevolence did win the Honourable Combat tournament, for the first time in almost 26 years, so I should be glad for being partially responsible for “breaking a record”. Hah, as if this is something to be happy about! The rest of my house all hate me.

The Benevolents hate me too, by the way. They’re very overprotective of Iwan and hate me for supposedly traumatizing him. Well come on!! I didn’t know it was his room I broke into! And he wasn’t even inside at the time, so I didn’t think he’d notice!!

As usual, the Malevolents hate me as well. No surprise there.

I can count on one hand the people at this school who don’t currently hate me. There’s Sai, Shielda, possibly Ying because she got to actually win the tournament… yeah, I guess that’s about it? I have no idea what my other friends think of me right now and I’m too scared to ask.

At least if I keep this sith lord cloak on then I won’t have to look at anyone or acknowledge anyone’s presence ever again…

-

[20]

Dear diary,

On the upside, my friends do not hate me!!! On the downside, this is because I AM BEING BLACKMAILED.

Let me explain.

First of all, apparently they all asked Iwan and though that kid doesn’t talk much, he assured them that he doesn’t hold a grudge against me for the time I broke into his room, because he actually thinks I’m really cool. He also seems to be doing a lot better now that he’s had something like 25 padlocks installed on his door so that no one can break in again.

Now that he’s fine, some of the Benevolents are chilling out a bit with regards to, uh, their anger at me. So I get slightly fewer death glares in the corridors.

Boboiboy and Gopal are treating me just like normal, Ying is treating me a little better than normal considering it’s my fault that she won the Honourable Combat…

And then there’s Yaya.

She says she’s happy to forgive me for my “violent rulebreaking and trespassing” and help me regain my popularity… IF I help her to impress Ying.

Yep. I have been roped into matchmaking. Wingmanning. Whatever I’m supposed to call it.

Okay, for starters, I thought those two were already a thing??? I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought that??? And seriously, of all people, why does YAYA need help with this? It’s flipping obvious Ying already likes her, and I told her so! But she doesn’t believe me, so I guess I’ll have to think of some actual way to prove it.

Honestly though, what the hell has been going on then? I asked about the bouquet, about the fact that Yaya was just as miserable as me and Boboiboy about that rule patch, about all the times she and Ying sneak off to the kitchens while thinking none of us have noticed, about that one really awkward time that Ying gave me legit kissing advice.

Apparently here are the answers: Yaya is still hoarding the bouquet and hasn’t given it to Ying yet despite wanting to, she’s upset about the rule patch because it might affect her in the future, she and Ying have homework competitions in the kitchen because it’s somehow even quieter than the library, and Ying has the same pillow habits as I do and happens to be more well-read.

What the actual fuck.

So yeah! Today I learned that not only are Yaya and Ying NOT girlfriends yet, but that it’s up to me to make that happen! Because out of all the things Yaya is good at, asking Ying out is not one of them!!!

And my own popularity hinges on this…

Gahhhh I need to ask the twins for help. Not to praise them or anything, but they’re more sensible than the rest of us. Like, I know I have a boyfriend, but it was kind of more dumb luck than anything else – I’m really, really bad at this romance thing and even he knows it…

-

[21]

Dear diary,

WHY MUST I CONSTANTLY HAVE SUCH BAD LUCK? I SWEAR TO GOD, IT’S A FUCKING CURSE???

Firstly, the twins’ response to me asking for their help was “do it yourself you dumbass moron, we have better things to be doing than being second degree matchmakers”. Eh, I should have known they’d say something like that. I guess I really am in this alone. I know I could ask Boboiboy and Gopal for help too but I already know they’re fucking useless.

And now for the absolute nightmare thing that happened today, the thing that makes me truly believe I am secretly in hell being tortured for my crimes, because there is no way this could ever happen to anyone innocent.

The head of Malevolence has told the Malevolent kids that they now have express permission to hunt me for sport.

Yep.

It was announced over the loudspeaker while I was just innocently eating lunch, ignoring the death glares from all around me. (I’ve ditched the sith lord cloak again by the way – I have to let people see how cool my hair is or I’ll never get my popularity back!) The next thing I knew, Malevolents had started chucking their forks and knives right at me! Some of them even hit me!

I ran out of there as fast as I could and just hid in the kitchens with Yaya and Ying, knowing that they’re my best bet at keeping me safe between classes.

Supposedly, the reason that all the Malevolents hate me so much is because they hate all Benevolents, and it was my fault that Benevolence actually got to win the Honourable Combat for the first time in almost 26 years. So to them I’m even worse than a traitor and they very literally want me dead.

This is just… how can I even describe what madness this is? At least when Boboiboy was facing assassination attempts, it was all from just one student! Adu Du wasn’t that hard to deal with! But right now I have the ENTIRE HOUSE OF MALEVOLENCE out to get me!!!

Like yeah, they’re not TECHNICALLY allowed to kill me, but that doesn’t exactly give me much peace of mind!! And can I even count on my fellow Neutrals to help protect me? They all still hate me, and the Benevolents are only very slowly warming up to me again, so will they just leave me to perish? Am I popular enough for them to care about me? Definitely not…

Look. I know in here I’m all like “I CRAVE DEATH” on a daily basis, but not like this. Never like this.

Sai and Shielda are escorting me to and from classes now so that I don’t get more knives thrown at me all the time. This fucking sucks, oh my GOD. I don’t want to have to be followed around all the time!! I like going places on my own!!! This is like the time when I had to protect Boboiboy, except this time I’M the one who needs protecting!!! Because I can’t fight an entire house on my own!!!!

I’m so livid, I have no idea how to calm down. I’ve already torn up the roll of fabric Kaizo got me. I’ve also snapped several pencils in half and set them on fire. I have very aggressively played my guitar. I have eaten donuts. Should I commit murder? I want to commit murder. That would be fun. I should kidnap a Malevolent and murder them.

But no… that’s mean… and would make me very unpopular indeed…

-

[22]

Dear diary,

Kaizo sent me another message.

_Dear Fang – I am writing to enquire about your health, since I know you have a disease called “being a melodramatic insufferable little bitch” and I need to make sure you’re not dead. Ha ha. Okay, jokes aside, you’re understandably a very moody hormonal teenager so really, are you okay? Every time I speak to you, you seem very sad. What do you need? Mood stabilizers? Acne cream? Condoms? I’m going to have some free time to visit next week and I’m supposed to be appreciating you and not bossing you around, according to my notes. I’m not trying to be a mum or anything. See you soon. Yours fabulously, Kaizo._

Okay, okay. I do NOT need mood stabilizers, I’m actually way less moody now than I used to be, so clearly it’s stabilizing itself! I don’t need acne cream when just Boboiboy’s existence in general keeps my skin clear. And – and for fuck’s sake! I don’t need – ! Gahhh!!! Just no. Ew.

Aside from that, I’m actually… impressed? It seems that Kaizo really is trying to be decent now, and is finally taking advice to heart.

Actually, to tell the truth, as soon as I read this message I, um, burst into tears and wrote a very long, heartfelt reply detailing all the absolute shit that has been happening to me lately. I’ve deleted it again now but knowing him, he’s already seen it…

Ah well. If he thinks I’m a whiny loser, so be it. I’ve got more important things to be worried about. Like the fact that the Malevolents are FUCKING INSANE AND NEED TO ALL BE THROWN IN JAIL FOREVER. Seriously, one of them brought a literal guillotine into the breakfast hall today! And spent the entire meal making throat-cutting motions at me!

At least the Benevolents hate violence and murder more than they hate me, so it turns out I do have some… mild protection from harm. They had the guillotine confiscated.

Yaya said she’d try and get a rule implemented that no students are allowed to be hunted for sport, but the problem is that I’m a knight who already knows combat and can feasibly protect myself, therefore the likelihood of such a rule being unanimously passed is low. The only real way for the head of Malevolence to retract this is probably if Malevolence win the next Honourable Combat tournament, but that’ll be ages away, and I’ll probably be dead ten times over by then.

Oh, and speaking of Yaya, I don’t have the energy to set her up with Ying now that I’ve got this fricking bounty on my head. She’s so annoyed about that but come on!! It’s not my fault!!!

“But what should I dooooo? Should I learn the guitar and serenade her? Should I write her a sonnet? Should I make her some heart-shaped cookies?”

Please, I am begging of you, do NOT do that last one, dear god.

Huh… coming up with ideas might actually distract me from my current deadly predicament. Plus, it’s not exactly like I can go anywhere right now when my goddamn babysitters are at their knight training. Okay, brainstorming time!!

Yaya could:

  * Learn to play the guitar, serenade Ying
  * Write Ying a sonnet
  * Send Ying memes, like those weird Valentines ones
  * Um… she could pull Ying into a closet and kiss her? (as long as she doesn’t be a jerk about it afterwards… hehe…)
  * GIVE HER THE FREAKING BOUQUET
  * Beat her at a rap battle, she’ll be so impressed
  * Just??? Tell her you like her??? I mean, it sorta worked for me???
  * Buy her a pair of Heelys
  * x^2+(y-∛(x^2 ))^2=1
  * (seriously, if you plot that equation out on a graph, it makes a heart shape – they like that kind of nerdy stuff, right?)



...Aight, I’m out of ideas. I’m going to bed.

-

[23]

Dear diary,

ADU DU CAN GET REKT. HE STOLE A BOW AND ARROW AND TRIED TO SHOOT ME WHILE I WAS EATING DINNER.

Luckily he missed. Unluckily, his weird robot sidekick was all like “Ooh let me have a go Mister Boss!” and guess what?

IT ACTUALLY HIT ME.

My arm, oh my god, it still KILLS. Like yeah, the arrows at this school are not designed to kill or whatever, and it wasn’t going too fast anyway. But it still hurt??? And I still had to go get it pulled out at the hospital while a bunch of Benevolents went and started smashing their dinner plates over Adu Du and Probe because shooting people is impolite I guess.

I may or may not have been swearing a LOT today. I think everyone is a bit scandalized.

Well come on!!! Shooting an arrow at someone is way more scandalous than saying fuck a bit too much!!! I bet any of YOU losers getting shot with an arrow would say it too, good fucking grief. Leave me alone to lie in my room and try to ignore the pain in my poor bandaged arm.

At least it wasn’t the arm I write with. Sai’s first response was “Stop whining, walk it off” but he has since grabbed my homework and done half of it without even asking me, so he probably secretly does care that his roommate was fucking shot. Shielda too – she went and got my daily box of donuts for me and then gave it to me saying “This isn’t because you got shot okay???”

Haha, they adore me…

Oh, and you know who else adores me? Iwan!! Yeah, the kid whose fault this kinda was in the first place!! He did faint during the whole arrow incident but afterwards he uh… drew fanart of it. And Gopal photocopied it and is now selling copies to whoever wants it, which is a surprising number of people. Supposedly, getting shot with an arrow is very badass and cool.

I think… I think my popularity may actually be returning…

Hmm. Is being shot with an arrow a decent price to pay for being more popular? I’ll have to wait and see.

-

[24]

Dear diary,

Yes!!! Being shot with an arrow is ABSOLUTELY worth it!!! This is freaking awesome!!! Oh man, I gotta buy Adu Du some coffee or something as a thank you gift. And I gotta get Probe some… I don’t know, horror novels?? Whatever.

No, listen – I GOT ASKED FOR MY AUTOGRAPH TODAY. And not even by a Benevolent, but by a Neutral! I thought the only ones who had stopped hating me were Benevolents but apparently not!! My own house is starting to warm up to me again!!!

But yeah. Some Neutral wanted me to sign their copy of Iwan’s fanart of The Arrow Incident, so I did.

I can’t believe it. I’m so happy!! I’m really, truly getting popular again now!! This also means that more and more people are willing to protect me from whatever attack gets launched on me next!!

There’s also the fact that me being injured means that I can make the twins carry all my stuff for me everywhere and there’s nothing they can do about it, heh. They should think of it as extra knight training! :D

-

[25]

Dear diary,

Mixed feelings right now. Like, really, REALLY mixed feelings.

You see, Kaizo showed up at school today. Yep – he had indeed managed to read my stupid whiny crying message before I deleted it. And he came here to sort it all out, since he hates it when I’m being annoying and whiny.

So yeah, he casually just walked in during lunch. He got out a megaphone, pulled out his sword, and then said, “TO ALL THE MALEVOLENTS WHO ARE TRYING TO ATTACK MY BROTHER – DON’T DO THAT OR I’LL STAB YOU WITH MY SWORD, BECAUSE I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO’S ALLOWED TO BE MEAN TO HIM. NONE OF YOU HAVE THE AUTHORITY. THANK YOU.”

Then he saw me with my bandage on my arm, and he narrowed his eyes, walked over, yanked me up by my non-injured arm, and dragged me outside to talk to me.

First I had to explain how I got injured. He actually seemed really annoyed – at first I thought he was annoyed at Adu Du and Probe and was gonna go stab them or something, but then it turned out he’s actually annoyed at ME. For getting SHOT.

“Why didn’t you just catch the arrow?”

I am serious. That’s actually what he said to me.

He thinks I should have just CAUGHT THE ARROW IN MIDAIR AND THAT IT’S MY FAULT I GOT HIT.

No, really, he was genuinely annoyed at me. And he looked a lot like he was trying to not be annoyed, because he’s supposed to be being a Good Brother now and all. But how the fuck am I supposed to respond to something like that???

“When I was your age I could catch an arrow, why haven’t you been training hard enough? What’s wrong with you? Too busy listening to MAR? You can do that at the same time as training, like I do, can’t you? Have you been too busy eating donuts? Canoodling with your prince? Writing in your ridiculous diary again?”

Gahhhh, I DO listen to MAR while training!! Pfff, how else is anyone supposed to train? It drowns out Shielda’s annoying commentary when she’s helping me anyway. Plus, their angry songs make the stabbing more fun. And I’m a growing child, I need plenty of donuts!! (I can’t argue with the prince and the diary bits…)

Anyway, Kaizo said that once it’s my school holidays he’ll come here and train me to be able to catch arrows by literally shooting arrows at me. And then he left.

You know… he may be trying, and maybe he is a bit better now, but he’s still not exactly a shining example of a kind, caring older brother, is he??? What kind of person sees that their little bro got shot, and decides to SHOOT HIM MORE??? This was the sort of stuff I never used to question when I was younger, because I didn’t know any better, but I’ve been here at school away from him for so long that I know what normal siblings are meant to be like.

Like yeah, Sai and Shielda are twins and so neither of them can exactly boss the other around, but still. They don’t TERRORIZE each other. And they don’t terrorize me, either! They only mildly bully me!

I’m still kind of shaken. Kaizo is mad at me – what if he decides not to let me go to the MAR concert? I think I’d just drop down dead on the spot!

There is one bright side. His threats to the Malevolent kids worked.

Not a single one of them has tried to attack me after that.

So I have one less thing to worry about at least?

-

[26]

Dear diary,

I am currently suffering greatly. Do you know what I’m suffering from? It is EXTREME PARANOIA. It’s like my head’s on the chopping block and I’m just sitting here waiting for the axe to fall. When will it fall, if ever? I don’t even know. And that is STRESSING ME OUT GREATLY. Huh, maybe I’ll end up getting spots from all the stress, and then Kaizo’s offer to get me acne cream will have some use after all.

Okay, lemme explain what happened, and then hide this diary extremely well and possibly never let it out of my sight ever again…

Shielda was acting extremely suspiciously earlier, being all like “Oh hey Fang, I had this spare notebook a while ago but it seems to have mysteriously vanished… Hmm, that’s an interesting-looking notebook you’re using as a diary there… looks just like mine but painted black with CHEMISTRY TEXTBOOK written on it… haha what a funny coincidence, hm…”

She was fricking onto me, I knew it. So I grabbed this diary and then yeeted myself out of there as quick as possible. (Now that the Malevolents aren’t trying to kill me anymore I no longer need babysitting in the corridors.)

I had been planning on going and chilling in the library, but the second I sat down, Yaya showed up and started pestering me again!! Asking me for advice and being annoyed that I haven’t been helping her enough!!! I showed her the bandage on my arm like “UM EXCUSE ME DO YOU REMEMBER I LITERALLY GOT SHOT RECENTLY???” but then she got even more annoyed at me for “daring to sass a student representative”!!! Seriously, what is with her? She doesn’t treat Ying like this!!!

...Oh… yes… of course she doesn’t treat Ying like this…

(Except that weird rivalry thing they’ve got going on with their homework. They are crazy and I’m not going to interfere there.)

Anyway, by the time she’d finished lecturing me, I turned back to see that my very worst fears had been realized.

My diary was GONE.

It had simply vanished. I looked everywhere – under the table, under the chair, inside my longcoat, on the shelves – it was nowhere to be found.

Yaya offered to help me search for it, but I wasn’t feeling particularly charitable after her annoying lecture so I uh… sort of told her to fuck off? I get the feeling that’s going to come back to bite me later, ugh, why can’t I be polite whenever I’m freaking out about something…

Luckily, not too long later, some Neutrality student (gahh I can’t remember the name… Void??) came up to me and returned it, saying that she’d mistaken it for a “really emo chemistry textbook” and needed it because she doesn’t have one and also happens to be emo so she just thought it was a cool coincidence that there was an emo textbook just lying around.

And then she also asked me to sign her Iwan fanart. MORE Neutrals are stanning me now, apparently? (Does it help that I’m clearly emo too?)

I wanted to ask her if she’d read any of it. I WANTED TO ASK HER SO BAD. BUT I FROZE UP. BECAUSE… BECAUSE…

Okay, okay, fine. Remember last time, when Kaizo read out my diary to the whole school and they heard all my stupid bratty, thirsty, innermost thoughts? Obviously that was hell. But I managed to come back from that. The whole school KNOWS. And I know they haven’t forgotten.

Now, this second diary is way less embarrassing than the first one, to be honest. I’m way cooler now than I used to be. Is it still embarrassing? Yeah, of course. But nowhere near as much as last time. Hah, I bet Kaizo would struggle to find a suitable passage to read in order to torment me now! (Oh shit no wait there was that time I chucked Boboiboy off the– yeah okay never mind, he probably could…)

So why am I so worried about this diary getting stolen, if the consequences would be far less severe this time?

Well you see, it’s not about the diary itself. At the back of this notebook, I’ve been… I’ve… ugh, how can I even write it…

I’VE BEEN WRITING METICULOUS BEETLEBUG FANFIC.

Ughhhh fine!!! I said it!!!! Look, I miss that show okay??? The wi-fi here blocks so much that I can’t watch any new episodes and I’m dying!!! And I can’t tell anyone that I like Meticulous Beetlebug!!! It’s the fucking dumbest show in the universe, what would everyone say if they knew???

Like, don’t get me wrong, my current fic is nowhere near as trashy and self-indulgent as the stuff that I used to write about. (I uh… used to have a massive crush on the main character. I once dreamed about her for 9 nights in a row, I was obsessed.) But it’s still stupid, and it definitely doesn’t match my aesthetic.

If anyone finds out about it, my reputation will be ruined FOREVER.

So yep. I couldn’t exactly just ask this Void girl “DID YOU BY ANY CHANCE READ MY METICULOUS BEETLEBUG FANFIC” because what if she didn’t, and now I’ve just revealed my secret for nothing? I don’t even want to ask her in a sneaky roundabout way, because then she might get suspicious!! So I have no clue if she’s read it or not!!!

What if she did read it and will use this knowledge to blackmail me??? Or am I stressing the fuck out over nothing??? I mean, she’s emo, just like me, and she definitely seemed to be a fan of me…

But maybe that was all an act…

Ughhhh I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I came back to my room, hid the diary literally inside my pillowcase, and then tearfully confessed to Shielda that yes, I did steal her notebook, and I am now suffering extreme karma and oh god please help.

Well on the bright side she didn’t mind about the notebook thing? She said she knew from the start and was just waiting for me to confess, because tormenting me is funny. Phew...

She didn’t seem to care about my current plight, though. “Fang who gives a crap? In your old diary you literally wrote about wanting to snog Boboiboy and then wanting to shove him into a blender within the same sentence – I cannot, in any possible way, fathom how writing Meticulous Beetlebug fanfic is worse than that.”

Ohhhhh she just doesn’t get it. If she had ever actually WATCHED Meticulous Beetlebug then she’d understand. That show is for fucking loser preps. AND I’M AN IDIOT WHO GOT SEDUCED BY THE MAIN CHARACTER BECAUSE I’M AN IDIOT, AND, DID I MENTION, AN IDIOT???

(Side note: I still wanna shove that idiot into a blender sometimes. The other day he forced me to listen to this dumb Earthvision song about Popularity and dared say that it was my personality in a nutshell!!! What the hell??) (I mean… on second listening, the song does genuinely bop…) (Okay fine, he wasn’t wrong!! But I’m not admitting it.)

My blood pressure is through the roof right now, I’m genuinely shaking. What if the Void starts telling people about this?? What if I’m just stressing for nothing?? But if I am, that’s just making me even MORE stressed!!

Oh god, and Yaya has it in for me now too…

-

[27]

Dear diary,

I was absolutely right to be terrified of Yaya. Everyone who is terrified of her has the right idea. She is the kind of person who should be feared.

When she said that she’d only help me regain my popularity if I helped her out with Ying, SHE WASN’T KIDDING.

Turns out the Void girl had started up a club specifically for appreciating me, complete with Iwan’s fanart on the posters. I have fans. I finally, at long last, have proper fans!!!

And what does Yaya do???

SHUTS DOWN THE CLUB, OF COURSE.

BECAUSE GOD FORBID I EVER HAVE ANY APPRECIATION IN MY LIFE.

Seriously!!! I didn’t even get to see this fanclub for myself before it got shut down, I only heard about it afterwards!!! Supposedly Yaya found a bunch of absurd rule violations, like “the fanart used on these posters is an infringement of copyright and also the blu-tac used to stick them to the walls will damage the wallpaper and is a liability to the Academy itself”.

I’m so livid!!! But what can I even do? It’s literally impossible to stand up to Yaya! The only person who can do that is Ying!

I just hope she’s had her fill of revenge, and won’t do anything more…

-

[28]

Dear diary,

I still live in overwhelming fear. I haven’t even written any more of the Meticulous Beetlebug fic since The Incident.

Maybe… maybe the fanclub getting shut down was a blessing. After all, what if it was just a cover? What if the Void was going to use it as an excuse to gossip about what she saw in here? I’m already used to people gossipping about me behind my back, but this would just be a bit too much.

Sai advises me to “chill out before you have a heart attack and die – not that I would be opposed to that”. Well I wouldn’t be opposed to it either! It would spare me the humiliation of existing…

But wait! The MAR concert! It’s still like a month away and I have to stick around for that!

Okay, okay, I’ll TRY and lower my stress levels. I’m gonna… hm… meditate. Yeah. I’m gonna do some meditation.

-

[29]

Dear diary,

Well that fucking failed because I fell asleep and had nightmares about Yaya chasing me with an axe. Never mind.

-

[30]

Dear diary,

I was going to write more last time but then I started freaking out because I thought I was having a stroke and was about to die, and I didn’t know if Kaizo would be willing to pay for the funeral or not – turned out I was actually just hungry.

Anyway, guess what? I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS. I need to turn my life around!! I need to change things!! Yeah, that’s right, I realize it now – I keep whining about stuff, complaining about everything and everyone else, but what if… what if it’s my own overdramaticness that’s the real problem???

I AM GOING TO SORT MY LIFE OUT.

(Well, it’s late night right now, so I’ll start tomorrow. BUT I WILL DO IT.)

And no, this is not just popping up out of nowhere. This is not just some random epiphany. I had the realization because… um… well… either Shielda ages ago was actually psychic and accurately predicted my life, or my life really is just that predictable, and I’m leaning towards the latter...

Okay so, earlier on, my poor darling prince (who I feel like I’ve been neglecting to write about in here since he rarely causes me any serious anguish and I usually only write when I’m upset) showed up at my room saying that he’s noticed how stressed I am, and that I am in serious need of un-stressing. And… hehe… it’s a very beautiful moonlit night, so… he took me out into the grounds and was being exceptionally sweet and tender and… cuddly…

And it was WORKING??? It’s impossible to be stressed when the living embodiment of sunshine is hugging you and telling you how amazing you are. (And how much he wishes that one dumb rule gets unpatched. I swear to god, I will get it unpatched if it’s the last thing I do. I don’t know how but I will.)

But then!! It turns out I had completely fucking forgotten about curfew, and the fucking head of Benevolence suddenly showed up and yelled at us!! And also, for some reason, mentioned that he had a headache…

I walked back to my room completely horrified. Because SHIELDA PREDICTED THIS, REMEMBER?? When I told her about the MAR concert she said I’d get yelled at for screwing around out in the forest – well okay, she’d said the head of Neutrality would be the one to do the yelling, but still, close enough.

Oh god… I really am just Enoby, aren’t I?

My whole life… the absurd, ridiculous, over-the-top emo that everyone loves to make fun of… IT WAS ALL JUST ME.

All this stupid stuff that happens to me. It’s because I act like a fucking mary sue or whatever they’re called. Acting like the whole world revolves around me. And then it does but in a bad way! I’m cursed to be this ridiculous caricature! It keeps getting worse! How can I uncurse myself from the nothing I’ve become???

I need to drastically sort out my problems, that’s what. I need to ask the Void outright if she knows my terrible dark preppy secret. I need to tell Kaizo to stop being mad at me for not being an exact clone of how he was at this age. I need to get Yaya’s forgiveness, probably by shoving her and Ying into a closet or something.

And I need to stop listening to only angry music. I gotta start listening to Effervescence too! Because if anyone needs waking up inside, it’s ME!

But… tomorrow.

Yeah. For tonight, I can just rest. I mean, my handwriting is probably a bit shaky because I’m still kind of dizzy and distracted… After all, it’s so hard to stop thinking about the way that Boboiboy was holding me tight, and dropping kisses up my neck...

Dammit, I’m really in love, aren’t I? As much as life gets in the way, I’m still just a dumb idiot with a boyfriend who is WAY too good for me.

-

[31]

Dear diary,

Guess who’s an idiot? Me, that’s who. I didn’t realize I’d already nearly run out of pages in this diary. I thought I had loads left because I completely forgot about all that fanfic in the back taking up almost half the entire notebook. Anyway I’ll need to get a new one. Huh, maybe I can steal one off Sai this time?

My drastic plan to change my life is going okay I guess. To tell the truth I don’t think I can just change my entire personality – this is just how I am. But the “solving all my dumb problems” part is going alright, because I actually have plans!

Plan 1: recruit Gopal into helping me find out if the Void read my Meticulous Beetlebug fic. You see, Gopal is excellent at distracting people, so if anything goes wrong while I’m asking the Void, he can save me by using his powers of being a weirdo. She’ll be so distracted by him that she’ll forget about judging me. I’m thinking this can work in other situations too, actually...

Plan 2: tell Ying to go grab Yaya and just kiss her. Yeah, Ying would probably get given detention, but it’s a sacrifice that I am willing to make in order to get my own peace of mind. (So Ying better be willing to sacrifice her detention record. The alternative is me going insane and being chased by angry Yaya with an axe, after all.)

Plan 3: somehow get Kaizo to show some proper compassion for once in his life…

I have no clue how I’m meant to do that last one. Do I tape his eyes open and force him to watch Bambi?? Do I get Probe to hypnotize him?? Do I fake my own death to shock him into portraying actual emotion???

Wait… that last one… actually… COULD WORK…

I mean, I have a reputation for being rather emotional and dramatic, don’t I? Like a romantic-era Byronic tragic hero who dies of consumption at the age of 21 after being caught in one too many rainstorms. Kaizo would totally believe it if I suddenly died…

-

[32]

Dear diary,

It is decided. I am going to fake my death.

I told the twins, and their reaction was “this is a stupid terrible idea that’s bound to fail” which means they think it’s great and they’ll fully help me out. I’m thinking I should probably tell my friends too – I don’t want to accidentally traumatize them or else the Benevolents will start hating me again. I just hope they’re good enough at acting distraught.

Also, this is an excellent plan to get the Neutrals to stan me enough that they start up my fanclub again! You see, we’ve got exams coming up soon, and if a student dies in the middle of exams, then everyone else automatically gets an A. By sacrificing myself and taking one for the team I can ensure that my housemates all get great marks!! They’ll all love me!!

There are a few things I need to do first before I “die” though. I need to get a new diary because I’ve run out of space in this one. I also need to enact Plans 1 and 2 from yesterday.

I should… probably also revise for my exams… just in case this doesn’t work...


End file.
